The Substance of a Dream Read online

  II

  The heart of a Woman

  I

  As the black cobra sits up, and puffs his hood, and hisses, givingwarning to his prey, ere he strikes: so I, Shatrunjaya[6] thelute-player, son of a king, do send this my menace to thee, Narasinha,the lover of a queen too good for so vile a thing as thou art: thatnone hereafter may be able to say, I struck thee unwarned, or tookthee unawares. Know, that night doth not more surely or more swiftlyfollow day, than I and my vengeance will follow on the messenger whocarries this threat: whom I have bidden to reach thee with his utmostspeed, so as to allay my thirst for thy life; since every day that Iwait seems to me longer than a _yuga_. And I will slay thee with noother weapon than my two bare hands--

  And suddenly, the great god stopped, and he laughed aloud. And heexclaimed: See now, how this poor lute-player deceived himself! Forhis message not only never reached his enemy at all, but almost assoon as it had left him, he was himself slain by the emissaries of thevery man he meant to kill, who never sent him any warning at all, buttook him unawares, and slew him, escaping by anticipation the fatethat was in store for himself, without even knowing anything of allthat this letter would have taught him, and so far from dying, livingto a very great age. And this instance shows, that the most dangerousof enemies is the one that never threatens till he actually strikes,resembling not the cobra, but the adder, as Shatrunjaya discovered tohis cost, too late.[7]

  And the Daughter of the Snow exclaimed, in wrath: Why hast thoustopped, to tell me the end of the story, before even reaching thebeginning?

  And Maheshwara said: Aha! Snowy One, thou art not yet, as it seems,asleep. Many are the beginnings that never reach an end: but it willdo this story no harm at all, to begin with the end, since all theessence of it lies in the middle, and as thou wilt find, it ends inthe middle, and yet never ends, even when it is done.

  What I have told thee does not matter in the least; what matters isthe Queen, for she was the most extraordinary of all women, past,present, or to come.

  And Parwati said: Let the letter speak for itself: and if thou hastanything to say, keep it for the end. For nothing is more unendurablethan a commentary upon a text which is unknown.

  II

  And Maheshwara said: Thus the letter continues:--for there is not roomin one world for us both. And well thou knowest the reason why. Forthe Queen told me, the very last time that I saw her, that it would bethe very last time, as indeed it was. And when I asked why she wouldsee me no more, she said, that thine was the order, to send me away.Dog! was she thine to command, or was I? And yet, I knew very well, itwas all thy doing, before ever she told me. For never would she havebehaved as she did, had she not been pushed from behind: and the veryfirst time that we met, when she told me of thee, I understood, andforesaw, and expected, the very thing that has happened, looking tofind thee hiding behind her, to rid thee of a rival whom thou hadstnot the courage openly to face. And dost thou dare to condemn me fordoing the very same thing thou wast doing thyself? Was not my claim tolove her as good as thy own? Or what, O cowardly dastard, does thatman deserve, who screens himself behind the clothes of a woman tostrike at a foe? I will answer the question, and show thee, by ocularproof, very soon. But now in the meantime, I will open thy eyes, andtell thee, from the very beginning, all that took place. And thoushalt learn how I stole her away from thee, in spite of thee, aspresently I will come to rob thee also of thy life. And I willembitter thy life, and poison it, first: and then I will take it away.

  III

  And yet, strange indeed was the way that I met her. I cannot tell,whether it was a reward or a punishment for the deeds of a previousbirth. For the joy of it would have been cheap, bought at the price ofa hundred lives: and yet the sorrow is greater than the joy. And ithappened thus. I was roaming through the world, with my lute for myonly companion. For all men know, as thou must also, that I turned myback upon my hereditary kingdom, and quarrelled with all my relations,and left them, all for the sake of my lute. For ever since I was achild, I have cared for absolutely nothing but my lute, and as Ithink, I must have been a Gandharwa[8] in the birth before, since thesound of the tones of its strings, touched by the hand of a mastermusician, leads me like an ox that is pulled by a cord, the verymoment I hear it, and I stand still, like one that listens with tearsin his eyes to the memory of the voice of a friend that is dead. Ha!very wonderful are the influences of a forgotten birth! For I was ananomaly, behaving not according to my caste, which was that of aRajpoot; and not music, but fighting, was my proper work, and myreligion.[9] And it was as if my mother had been caught sleeping inthe moonlight on the terrace of the palace in the hot season by someking of the Widyadharas passing by, and looking down from the air. Forheavenly beings often fall into such temptations, and even an asceticwould have found it hard to laugh at the arrows of Manobhawa, comingin the form of such a feminine fascination as hers, lying still in thelunar ooze at midnight, with her head pillowed on her arm. And yet,for all my music, I was the tallest and strongest of all my clan, anda hunter, when I chose, that could bear fatigue even better than aBhil.

  And then at last there came a day when the King my father sent for me.And when I came, he looked at me with approval, and he said: Thou arta man at last. And yet they tell me, thou dost nothing all day longbut sit playing thy lute. Canst thou really be my son, or art thousome musician's brat, foisted into my son's place by some darkunderhand intrigue, when I was looking the other way? For who everheard of a Yuwaraja,[10] destined to sit upon the throne when I haveentered the fire, neglecting all his duties for the sake of a lute'sstrings? Come now, throw thy lute away, and leave music to theprofessionals who have nothing else to do, and apply thyself topolicy, and the things of a king's trade. And I said: What do I carefor a kingdom in comparison with my lute? I will not throw it away,no, not for a hundred kingdoms. I am a devotee of Radha's lover,[11]and I care nothing for any raj. Then my father flew into a rage. Andhe said: Thou shalt do, not as thou wilt, but as I will. Choose,between thy wretched lute, and the raj: and if thou dost not obey, Iwill turn thee off, and put thy younger brother in thy place. And Isaid: There are kings in abundance everywhere, but those who canreally play on a lute are very few indeed. And I am one. Let who willbe a Yuwaraja: I will choose the lute. And he said, in wrath: Be off!and play dirges to the memory of thy dead succession, for thou art nolonger heir. And I laughed in his face, and went away, and got on myhorse, and turned my back upon it all, and rode off laughing with mylute hanging round my neck, counting the kingdom as a straw. Andthereafter, I wandered up and down, from place to place, living as Ipleased, and utterly disregarding the messages that reached me nearlyevery day from my mother, who sent me bags of money and entreaties toreturn, all in vain. And my story, like my playing, went from mouthto mouth, and everywhere I went, the people said: Ha! there goesShatrunjaya, the mad musician, who cares more for a discord than theloss of his hereditary raj! Ha! and if his policy were only equal tohis playing, what a king he would have made! And what a fool he mustbe, to care for nothing in the three worlds but a lute's strings!

  IV

  And yet they were all wrong. For there was another thing that nobodyknew anything about, that I cared for even more than for my lute. Andall the while I wandered, I was looking for a thing that flew beforeme the more I kept pursuing it, like the setting of the sun. And yetit hung, so to say, always just before my eyes, like a picture on thewall, so that often I used to talk to it, as if it were alive, as Isat. And yet it never answered, looking back at me in silence withstrange kind eyes, and seeming to listen to me gazing at it wistfully,and playing on my lute. And this was a woman, that had come to me in adream. For but a little while before I quarrelled with my father, Iwas lying, on a day, at noon, when I had been following a quarry inthe jungle till I ached with fatigue, resting on a river bank: and soas I lay, unawares I fell asleep. And I thought that I wanderedthrough a palace that I had never seen before, till suddenly I cameupon a terrace that stood on the very margin of a
lake, that wasfilled with myriads of lotuses, all turned red by the rays of thesetting sun, which stood never moving on the top of a low hill, as ifit were watching me to see what I should do, before it went away. Andthere was such a strange silence that I began to be afraid, as if ofsomething that was just about to happen, without knowing what. And soas we all stood waiting in the dusk, I and the lotuses and the sun,all at once I heard behind me a voice like a _kokila_, saying quietly:I have kept thee a long while waiting: wilt thou forgive?

  And I turned round, and looked, and lo! there was a lady, looking atme with a smile. And she was standing so absolutely still, that sheresembled an image made of copper, for exactly like the lotuses, shewas all red in the rays of the sun, and her dark clothing shone likethe leaf of a palm seen at midnight in the glow of a fire. And herhair was massed like that of an ascetic high over her brow, and on itsdull black cloud there shone a gem that resembled a star, shooting andflickering and changing colour like a diamond mixed with an opal:while underneath, her eyes, that resembled pools filled with duskinstead of water, were fixed on me as if in meditation, as if half indoubt as to whether I was I. And yet her lips were smiling, not as ifthey meant to smile, but just because they could not help it, drivenby the sweetness of the soul that lay behind them to betray its secretunawares. And the perfect oval of the outline of her face was lifted,so to say, into the superlative degree of soft fascination by a faintsuggestion of the round ripeness of a fruit in its bloom, as if theCreator, by some magical extra touch of his chisel, had wished toexclaim: See how the full loveliness of a woman surpasses the delicatepromise of a girl! And she was rather tall, and she stood up verystraight indeed, so straight, that my heart laughed within me as Ilooked at her, for sheer delight, so admirably upright was the poiseof her figure, and yet so round and delicious was the curve of herarms and her slender waist, that rose as if with exultation into theglorious magnificence of her splendid breast, on which her left handrested, just touching it very lightly with the tips of her fingers,like a wind-blown leaf lying for a moment exactly at the point ofjunction of two mounds of snow, as if to chide it very gently forchallenging the admiration of the three worlds. And she stood with herweight thrown on her left foot, so that her right hip, on which herright hand rested, swelled out in a huge curve that ran down to herknee, which was bent in, and then turned outwards, ending in a littlefoot that was standing very nearly on the tip of its toe.

  And so as we stood, gazing at one another in dead silence, all at onceshe smiled outright, holding out both her hands. And at that verymoment, the sun sank. And as I strove in vain to move, rooted to thespot like a tree, she faded away, very slowly, back again into thedark, growing little by little paler, till she vanished into thenight, leaving nothing but her star, that seemed to glimmer at me froma great distance, low down on the very edge of a deep-red sky. And Istrove and struggled in desperation to break the spell that held mechained, and suddenly I woke with a loud cry, and saw before me onlythe river, on whose bank I was lying alone.

  V

  Aye! then for the first time in my life, I knew what it meant, to bealone, which had been to me but a mere word, without any meaning atall. For as I sat by the river, I knew I had left my soul behind inthe dream that had disappeared. And my heart was burning with such apain that I could only breathe with great difficulty, and tears roseinto my eyes, as it were of their own accord. And I said sadly tomyself: Now, beyond all doubt, I have seen some feminine incarnationof a fallen star, and unless I can find it somewhere on earth, I shalllose the fruit of being born at all. So one thing only remains to do,and that is to look for her, and keep on looking until I find her. Forif only I was sure, that she was absolutely beyond finding, I wouldnot consent to remain in this miserable body without her, even for asingle moment. But she must be alive somewhere, and able to be found:for how could such a thing as she was exist only in a dream? Fornobody could possibly have invented her, no, not even in a dream: andit must be that my soul went roaming about as I slept, and actuallycaught sight of her. And if the soul could find her, then, she issomewhere to be found, even by the body; but alas! the body cannottravel so easily as the soul: since, in his haste, the Creator hasforgotten to give wings to anything but birds. And yet, the only thingto do is to hunt for her incessantly, and go from place to placewithout stopping for a moment: since very certainly she will never bediscovered if I remain here as motionless as a hill. So I must escapeat once, on some pretence, without letting anybody know why.

  And as I said, I did: and this was the very reason why I broke with myrelations, and became a vagrant instead of a king's heir. And everynight I went to sleep yearning to dream the dream again, and yet itnever came, though even in my sleep I seemed in every dream to beroaming everlastingly in jungles, and along roads that never ended,always on the very point of finding something that I never found. Andstrange! instead of driving me to despair, this constant failureactually gave me courage, for I said: If the dream had really beenonly a dream and nothing more, it would surely have returned, beyond adoubt: since, as a rule, dreams are only pictures in the night of whatmen think of in the day. And yet she never comes again, although Ithink of nothing else, all day long, and she was very certainly nopicture of anything that I ever saw before. And clearly, it must bethat my soul did actually find her, though now it has lost its way,and does not know how to return.

  And in the meanwhile, as time went on, the less I found her, the moreI fell back upon my lute, which became the only confidante of mysecret, and my sole refuge in my desolation. And I used to sitplaying, thinking all the while of nothing but herself, so that shegradually became as it were the theme and the undertone of every air.And the listeners would say: Ha! now beyond a doubt this player on thelute must be some incarnation of a Kinnara, for the sound of his musicresembles that of the wind singing in the hollows of the bamboos thatwave over waterfalls on the sides of the snowy mountain: and his luteseems to sob, in the vain endeavour to express some melancholy secretthat for want of words it cannot articulately tell, wringing as itwere its hands of strings, for very grief: And I became a byword, andthe fame of my music was carried into the quarters of the world, likethe scent of the sandal that the breeze blows from the Malaya hill inthe region of the South.

  And then at last I came, on a day, tired out with travel, toKamalapura.[12] And delighted with its trees and its river and itslotuses, I found a little house, and lodged in it, to rest for awhile. And one morning, there came to me a musician of the city, wholoved me for my playing, and he said: How comes it, O Shatrunjaya,that thou hast not been to play to Tarawali?[13] And I said: Who isTarawali, that I should go to play to her, who never go to anyone atall? And he laughed, and exclaimed: Who is Tarawali? What! dost thouactually say that thou hast never even heard of her, the Queen ofthis city? And I said: I did not know that thy Tarawali was the sameas the Queen, of whom indeed I have heard, very often, as everybodymust who comes to this city: for as it seems, the citizens never talkof anything or anybody else, never saying anything about her thatrecommends her to me; since, as I understand, she is anindependent[14] woman, who goes her own way, like the wind, caringabsolutely nothing where it takes her, or what anybody says. And hesaid: Let them say what they will, at least she is a connoisseur inmusic, and plays the lute herself, though not so well as thou. Andthey tell me, she is very curious to see thee, and to hear thee, ofwhom she has heard so much. And I said carelessly: The curiosity isnot reciprocal, since on my side there is absolutely none. Andmoreover, independent women are not to my taste, even when they happento be queens. So it will be better for us both, to leave her curiosityunsatisfied. And he said: Well have they named thee, the mad musician:for thou art utterly unlike all other men. Thou hast thrown away thykingdom for a lute: and now thou sittest like a stone, unmoved, tohear that even Tarawali is curious on thy account: a thing that wouldset any other man dancing for delight, like a peacock at the sight ofa cloud. Art thou indeed a stone, or is it sheer ignorance of whatTarawali is like? And I
said: And what then is she like? And he said:She is like absolutely nothing in the world but herself, and cannottherefore be described at all, but only seen. So the only way to getthy question answered is to go, and see her for thyself. And I said:Then it never will be answered, for I will not go and see. I am notame animal, to go where I am called: I am wild. And he said: Aye! butthe wild swans go to the Manasa lake of their own accord. Thou artlike a young wild swan, refusing, for sheer obstinacy, to visit thevery place, that, had it only seen it, it would never be induced todesert again. For Tarawali is exactly a Manasa[15] for such a swan asthee. And for all answer, I took my lute, and began to pluck at thestrings.

  And he stood for a while, drumming on the sill of the window as helooked out: and then he turned and said: If thou hast no curiosity,thou hast at least the manners of a king's son. Wouldst thou be souncivil as to say no to her invitation, if she sent to thee, to come?And I said: Why suppose what never can occur? Surely this independentqueen does not go to such a length as to act like an _abhisarika_,[16]and throw herself of her own accord at the head of every stranger thatmay wander through her city? And he laughed, and said: Wouldst thouactually shut thy door in her face, even so, if she were anincomparable beauty? Even an _abhisarika_ might be welcome, to anybodybut thyself, who art said to be a hater of all women whatsoever. And Isaid: Why should I hate all women, who never think of them at all?

  And he looked at me for a long while; and then he said: Who knows?Thou art so singular in everything that it is just barely possiblethat thou art telling me the truth, though it is very hard to believeit, in the mouth of a youth like thee. And yet, if as thou sayest, thyheart be really empty, Tarawali could fill it for thee, easily enough.Aye! even if it were a desert equal to Marusthali in dryness andextent, a single glance at her would turn it into an ocean, tossingwith agitation, and running over with excess of salt.[17]

  And then he went away. And instantly I forgot all about her, absorbedin my lute and the recollection of my dream.

  VI

  But next morning, when I awoke, his words all came back to me, andfilled me with dismay. And I sat long musing over them, and saying tomyself: Now after all, it is just possible not only that his words hada meaning, but even that he was acting as an agent of the Queen, whomay take measures to make me go and see her, whether I will or no:since she is, as it seems, a musical blue-stocking,[18] ready toforce herself on anybody just to gratify her vanity by claimingadmiration for her musical proficiency, which nobody would acknowledgeunless she were a queen. Out on these queens, that dabble in mattersthat they do not understand, and meddle in other people's business!But now I will steal a march on her by making my escape betimes, and Iwill go this very moment and order my horse to be got ready, to giveher the slip, in case she may be meditating anything verydisagreeable. For if she finds the bird flown, she will give it up,once for all.

  And I went to the door and opened it, and lo! there in the streetbefore me stood a woman, who was in the very act of knocking at thedoor, to get in, so that as I pulled it open, she very nearly fellinto my arms. And as she drew back laughing, I looked at her in blankamazement. For she resembled a feminine incarnation of the dawn, beinga very Apsaras for beauty, and very young, and very small, and dressedin a garment of red muslin, whose edge of gold ran all about her likea snake.[19] And she had gold bangles, and gold anklets, and goldchains about her neck, and she held the end of her garment drawn overher head with one hand, whose arm resembled a creeper spray, so that Icould only just see her long eyes peeping at me through the opening.And I stood awhile, holding the door, and looking at her with dismay,that was very nearly terror, saying to myself: Now, after all, I amcaught, for here she is in person, running to me of her own accord.And at last I said with hesitation: Art thou Tarawali?

  And instantly, that strange damsel broke into a peal of laughter. Andshe exclaimed: I, Tarawali? Art thou stark mad? Or dost thou imagineTarawali would come to people's doors? Ha! then, but as it seems, thythoughts are already running on Tarawali. But let me come inside, forwhy should the whole street listen to our conversation? And she camein quickly and stood just inside the door, holding it by the handle,as if she wanted to make sure of her escape. And she said: Art thouShatrunjaya, the lute-player? And I said: Yes. Then she said: Thoudeservest almost to be slain, for such an extraordinary blunder as toconfound such a thing as I am with the Queen. And yet, after all, thychance arrow is somewhere near the mark: for if I am not Tarawali, atleast I am her shadow, and never very far from her, being herconfidential maid. And I have come to thee now with a message fromherself: and it is this: Tarawali the pupil stands in sore need ofShatrunjaya the master, to help her in disentangling thequarter-tones of a theme: and she will await him in her garden, asthe sun goes down.

  And I said: What, O thou red beauty, is thy name? And she said:Chaturika[20] Then I said: Go back, O Chaturika, and tell the Queenthat I was not to be found. I will not come. And here is gold forthee.

  And Chaturika brushed away my bribe with a wave of her pretty arm. Andshe leaned back against the door, holding the handle behind her, andlooking up at me from under her long lashes, with sweet crafty eyes,and eyebrows lifted high into a double arch. And she put her head alittle on one side, and said, with a smile: Think twice, OShatrunjaya. Art thou a musician, and hast thou never heard the song:Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when she turns away?[21] Orhast thou never tasted nectar, even in a dream? Remember, sunset! Andshe shook at me her forefinger, and suddenly she opened the door, andslipped out, and shut it, and was gone; leaving me staring at it instupefaction, and almost believing I was dreaming, so abruptly had shecome and gone. And I said to myself in wonder: Beyond a doubt, shespoke at random, knowing nothing of my dream; and yet she made mejump, for her arrow hit the mark exactly in the centre. But if themaid is like the mistress, of whom she said herself, she was theshadow, then very sure I am, it is not either maid or mistress, oranybody the least like them, that could realise my dream. But all thesame, I am caught, for the moment, in their noose: and what is to bedone now? For she will go straight back and tell it all, to thisover-bearing busybody of a queen, and if now I do not go, it will seeman incivility almost equal to an insult. For queens do not like to berefused, and even their request is a kind of order, very difficult todisobey. Out, out, upon this red intrusive jade, and her mistress, andabove all on myself, for my delay! For had I only gone away lastnight, I should have got clean off.

  And long I sat debating, balanced in the swing of indecision, as towhether I should go, or not. And at last I exclaimed: I will give herjust a chance. And I drew my _kattari_ from its sheath, and I said:Now I will throw it into the air. And if it falls back upon its point,I will go and see her: but if not, not. And I threw it up, like ajuggler, so that it spun very quickly like a wheel: and lo! it fellback, and stuck exactly on its point, standing straight up, as if onpurpose to imitate Chaturika's forefinger, and saying as it were: See!thou shalt go, willy nilly, at sunset to the Queen.

  And so, seeing that I must absolutely go, I dismissed it, as a thingdetermined, from my mind. And a little before sunset, I went out, andmoved slowly through the streets, making for the palace with unwillingfeet. And when I reached it, I stood still, opposite the palace gates,saying to myself: There is still just time to turn back and go away.For my reluctance grew upon me as I went, with every step, as if somepresentiment that I could not understand was warning me beforehand ofall that would come about. And I said: Now then, I will give myselfone last chance. I will stand here still, and count a hundred. And ifin the time, I do not see an elephant go by, I will go away, biddinggood-bye for ever to the Queen. And then I began to count. Andstrange! at that very moment, I looked, and saw the _ankusha_ of a_mahawat_, high up above the crowd, coming round the corner. And theelephant on which he sat passed by the palace gates, looking at me asit were with laughter in its little eye, and saying: I am just intime: while yet I had fifty still to count.

  So near I came, to never seeing Tarawal
i at all!

  VII

  So then at last, seeing that fate was against me, and that there wasabsolutely no help for it, I gave up the struggle, and went up to thegate. And learning who I was, the _pratihari_[22] led me away into thepalace, and I followed her through innumerable corridors and halls,until at last we came to a high wall, in which there was a door,screened by a curtain. And she drew aside the curtain, and opened thedoor with a key. And she said: The Queen is within: knock at the dooron thy return. And I went in, and she shut the door behind me,leaving me alone.

  And I found myself in a garden, of which I could not see the end, forit rather resembled a forest for its multitude of trees. And after awhile, I went on slowly without any guide, going wherever my steps ledme, and saying to myself as I went along: Now I wonder where the Queenis; for as it seems, I am far more likely to lose myself than findanything, in such a maze as this. And then, little by little, Iutterly forgot all about her, lost in my admiration of the place thatI was in, and saying to myself in wonder: After all, I did well tocome, and it was well worth while, if only for the sake of thisextraordinary wood, which cannot properly be called a garden, since itis like absolutely nothing else in the world. For there were noflowers to be seen at all, but only trees. And even of trees, therewere only four kinds, champak, and _shala_, and _nyagrodha_, andbamboo. But every kind of tree was multiplied many times, and each wasa very giant, and a marvel of its kind. And the champaks and the_shalas_ were loaded with their blossoms that filled the air withheavy fragrance, and glimmered in the dusk: and the bamboos stood inclumps, like pillars, each as thick as my own body, with their tallplumes waving very gently to and fro like _chowris_ over my head; andthe trunks and the roots of the _nyagrodhas_[23] writhed and twistedround me like serpents' coils and women's limbs, pointing at me as itwere with weird wooden arms, till I felt as if I were walking in somestrange dream forest whose Yakshas and Yakshinis were watching me andmocking me as I went along. And suddenly, I looked, and far awaythrough the trees I saw the moon nearly full rising slowly like agreat red nocturnal sun, on the edge of the pallid eastern sky, as ifit had come to watch me too, before the sun was down. And a feelingthat was almost fear began to creep into my soul, as I moved onslowly, not knowing where I was. And all at once, I came out suddenlyupon a terrace and stood still. For just below me was a lake, whosewater was black, and absolutely still, and it was filled withinnumerable lotuses, that stood straight up out of the mirror thatthey floated in, all turned red by the rays of the setting sun, whichwas just about to disappear, taking as it were a last fond look atthem, as it stood, blood-red, on the rim of the world.

  And then, like a flash of lightning, recollection rushed into my soul.And my heart gave a bound, as if it wanted to leap from my body. And Iexclaimed, with agitation: Ha! Why, it is the very lake, and these arethe very lotuses, and the very sun that I saw in my dream! And evenas I spoke, I heard behind me the low sweet voice of a woman, sayingslowly: I fear that I have kept thee waiting for a long time: andcanst thou forgive me?

  And instantly I cried out: The words! the words! And I turned sharpround, shaking like a leaf, with a heart that beat in my body like adrum. Lo! there, just before me, stood the lady of my dream. Andexactly as before, her dark blue garments shone like copper in the redsun's rays, and the star stood trembling in her high dark hair. Andexactly as before, she stood up, absolutely straight, as if on purposeto throw into strong relief the undulating curves of her lovely form,and yet she differed from her own dream in this, that her soft roundbosom was rising and falling like an agitated wave, as if she had beenrunning very fast with nimble feet, that had stopped short, at thesight of me. And she held her pretty head, with appealing grace, justa very little on one side, looking at me with great sweet eyes, andlips that smiled, half-open, as if to let her breathe, saying as itwere: I know that I am very guilty, and yet I am absolutely sure to beforgiven, since you cannot find it in your heart to scold. And somehowor other, there came from every part of her as it were the deliciousfragrance of an extreme desire to oblige and please, that exactlycorresponded with the excessive gentleness of the voice that had justspoken; and yet it was mixed in some inexplicable way with a veryfaint suggestion of authority, as though to say: All will willinglyobey me; but those who will not, must. And one hand hung down by herside, holding a lute by a yellow string: while the other was playingwith the beads of a necklace of great pearls, that lay on the ocean ofher surging breast, so that it was carried up and down on its wave.And she looked, as she stood before me, like a faultless feminineincarnation of the essence of a bosom friend, turned into aninstrument of supernatural seduction by the infusion of theintoxication of the other sex, and seeming as it were to say: How muchdearer is a dear friend, that looks at thee with a woman's eyes!

  And I stood for a single instant, looking, with a soul that struggledto leave me, as if it had recognised at once, the moment it caughtsight of her, whose claim it should obey. And I made a step towardsher, stretching out both my hands: and all at once, I uttered a sharpcry, and fell at her feet in a swoon.

  VIII

  And when I came back to myself, I opened my eyes, and saw her,standing close beside me, bending over towards me, and watching mewith eyes that were full of an expression that was half anxiety andhalf compassion. And as I rose to my feet, in confusion, she saidquietly: Nay, it would be better for thee to sit still, for a littlewhile, until thou art recovered. Art thou ill, or what is the matterwith thee? And I looked at her, making as it were sure of her beingreally there, and I said with emotion: Nay, on the contrary, I amvery well indeed, now that I find thee still here, as I never hoped tosee thee. For I was terribly afraid, lest I should lose thee as I didbefore. And the shock was like a blow, for I have waited so long, tosee thee again. And she looked at me with astonishment, and she said:Before? Again? What dost thou mean? When have we ever met before? AndI said: In a dream. And it may be, even earlier, in some former birth.I cannot tell. But instantly, I knew thee again, and my heart stopped,unable to endure the unutterable joy, and the choking pain, and thesuddenness of the surprise: for it came upon me like a thunderbolt,without warning. And as I said, I was white with terror, lest thoushouldst have taken advantage of my swoon, to disappear, as thou didstbefore. For if I had not seen thee, when I woke up, I should havedied.

  And she looked at me for a while, with curiosity, and as if meditatingover what I said. And then she sighed. And she said in a low voice, asif speaking to herself: This is my fault. Alas! I foresaw that therewould be danger in thy coming. And I exclaimed: Danger! Be under noconcern. Thou hast nothing at all to fear from me, or indeed fromanything whatever, as long as I am near thee. Then she said: Nay, butthou dost not understand. It is not for myself that I was afraid, butfor thee. And as I looked at her, as if to ask her what she meant, shesaid again: It is I who am the danger. For I know by experience that Ialways act on thy sex like a spell: only in thy case, the spell wasvery strong: so strong, as almost to destroy thee. And yet, it is notmy fault, after all. Blame me not, but rather blame the Creator whomade me as I am. And I exclaimed: Blame him! nay, rather worship andadore him, for the wonder of his work: as thou art very certainly hismasterpiece. What! wouldst thou have me blame him, for producing athing that I could worship, instead of himself? And she shook her headslowly as I spoke, and she said: Thou seest: it is exactly as I said.I am a poison to thee. And I looked at her, trembling with sheerecstasy to look at her and listen to her: and suddenly I burst outlaughing, with my eyes full of tears. And I said: Poison! Thou! Ah!let me only drink such poison to its dregs! I ask for nothing more.And she said: Come! let us sit on the step, and thou wilt recover. Andwhen we were seated, she said, after a while: Forget me, if thoucanst, for a moment, and listen, and I will tell thee of thedifficulty which led me to summon thee to my assistance.

  And then she began to speak to me of the musical intervals, while Isat gazing at her, drunk with admiration, and growing hot and cold byturns, never so much as hearing a single word she
said, but listeningonly to the unutterable sweetness of the voice that spoke, thatsounded in my ears like the noise of a waterfall coming from adistance to the ear of one that lies dying of thirst. And all at once,I broke in abruptly, without any reference whatever to her words: andI said: O Tarawali, they named thee well who chose thy name: for thouart indeed like the star on thy brow. And when I think how nearly Inever came to thee at all, I shudder for sheer terror, to think I allbut missed my opportunity, and lost thee for ever. And I owe thee anapology, for a crime, done to thy divinity in ignorance. Aye!Chaturika was right, when she told me I was worthy of death, forconfounding thee with her.

  And she said, with a sigh: Thou art not listening to what I say. Andthen she smiled, with a little smile that shook my heart for delight,and she said: Aye! Chaturika told me of thy error. But trust her not,when she speaks of me, for she is a flatterer. And yet, thy crime wasvenial, and one easily forgiven: for she is very pretty, as I am not.But we are wandering from the point, and wasting time, and talkingnonsense. Forget us both, and listen with attention, and I will beginall over again. And I swept away her beginning with a wave of my hand,and I exclaimed: It is useless, for I can listen at present toabsolutely nothing. There is no room in my soul for anything but thee.Speak to me of thyself, and I will listen never moving for theremainder of my life. And once again she sighed, lifting her hands,and letting them fall again, as if in despair. And she said gently: Ifthou absolutely wilt not attend, where was the use of thy coming atall? And I said: If thou wilt only send for me every day, at sunset,for a year, it may be that I shall at last be able to forget theesufficiently, for a very little while, to attend to something else.

  And suddenly she laughed, with laughter that exactly resembled thelaughter of a child, and she said: Thou art very crafty indeed, butthy cunning plan would take a long time, with but little result. Andeven then, I am not sure I could rely on thy forgetting. And Iexclaimed, with emphasis: Thou art absolutely right, for the moment ofoblivion would never come at all. But O thou miracle of a queen, tellme at least one thing about thyself. And she said: What? And I said:How can the King thy husband be so utterly bereft of his reason as tolet any other man see his star? Or is he, in very truth, actuallyblind? For I could understand it, if he really cannot see.

  And she looked at me with surprise: and she said slowly: Dost thouactually not know, what everybody knows? And I said: I know nothingthat everybody knows, being as I am a stranger. But this I know, verywell, that if thou wert _my_ pearl, I would take very good care tohide thee. For even an honest man might well turn robber, tempted bythe sight of such an ocean pearl. And she said, very quietly: It needsno thief to steal the pearl, if indeed it be a pearl, which its ownercast away long ago as a thing of no value, for anyone to pick up as hepasses by.

  And I stared at her in stupefaction, and I struck my hands togetherand exclaimed: Art thou mad, or am I dreaming? And she said gently: Itis true. And anybody but a stranger like thyself would have known it,without needing to be told. And she dropped her eyes, and sat for awhile, fingering the string of her lute, as if on purpose to makeherself into a picture for my intoxicated gaze: and suddenly she said:Why should I make a secret of a thing that another will tell thee, ifI do not, adding to the truth slanders that are false? It is betterfor thee, and for me, to learn from my own mouth what it is impossibleto hide. There is a relation of the King, whose name is Narasinha. Andone day he saw me by accident, on the roof of the palace, andinstantly he lost his reason, as all the men who see me always do. Andnot long after, the King was set upon by numbers in a battle, andwithin a very little of being slain; and Narasinha saved his life,very nearly losing his own. And the King said, when all was over: Now,then, O Narasinha, ask me for anything I have, no matter what: it isthine. And Narasinha saw his opportunity. And he shut his eyes, likeone that leaps from a precipice to life or death. And he said: Give methy Queen, Tarawali: or else, slay me, here and now, with this verysword that saved thy life. And then, to his amazement, as he stoodwith his head bowed, expecting death, the King burst out laughing. Andhe said: Is that all? Aha! Narasinha, we were both frightened, thouand I: thou, of asking, and I, of what thou mightest ask. Didst thounot think, I should slay thee, for thinking of her even in a dream?But my life were worth little, if I haggled with its saviour over itsprice. And Tarawali is thine, to do with as thou wilt. For I have onlyone life, whereas queens can be found in all directions, and I canvery easily replace her, whenever I choose. Only she must not leavethe palace, for after all, she is my Queen, and so she must remain,for everyone but me and thee. And so he gave me clean away toNarasinha, in secret, but it is a secret that everybody knows, andtells in secret to everybody else. And I have gained by the exchange.For Narasinha risked his life, twice, to win me, and the King wouldnever have risked so much as his little finger to save the life of ahundred queens, and gave me away, like a straw, for the mere asking,not even stopping to consider, that in the straw he gave away his ownhonour lay hidden, which he gave away with me. And I could haveforgiven him for giving me away, but who could forgive the King whovalued his own honour less than his own life? And to the King I wasnever more than a necessary ornament, a thing like a sceptre and athrone, and a mere piece of royal furniture: whereas I am more thanthe life of Narasinha, and the apple of his eye.

  IX

  And as she spoke, I listened, not believing my own ears, and saying tomyself: Is it all real, or can it be that I am only dreaming afterall? And which is the greater wonder, this miserable King, who,leaving honour out of the account, is so utterly besotted as to giveaway a thing like her to the first man who asks for her, or Tarawaliherself, telling the whole story of her own depreciation with suchcontemptuous and yet delicious candour to such a one as me? Aye! wellindeed she might despise a husband so unutterably despicable; and yethis oblivion of his own honour is easier by far to understand than hisblindness to the value of the thing he gave away. And would she tellme anything at all, unless she had come to the conclusion that I wasworthy of her confidence? And who knows? For why should she consent tobe given like a horse to Narasinha? Why might she not prefer to giveherself, and choose for herself the man who was to be her owner? Andwhat if I could persuade her to let me be the man? And at the verythought, my head began to swim in the delirium of hope and almostunimaginable anticipation. And I said: Dear Tarawali, is it the faultof the ocean gem, if its boorish owner flings it away, taking it for abit of common glass, and ignoring its inestimable worth? There areother and better judges, who would give their very lives, only to beallowed to pick it up.

  And she looked at me with a smile, and she leaned towards me, and shesaid, with gentle mischief in her eyes: Shall I tell thee thy verythoughts, and it may be, tumble down for thee the unsubstantialcastles thou art even already building in the air? Thou art marvellingat the King, for giving me so carelessly away: and thou art wondering,why I am telling thee about it: and last of all, it may be, thou artcounting on my independence. Is it not so? And I hung my head insilence, ashamed at being so accurately detected by the subtlepenetration of this extraordinary Queen. And presently she said, asif to console me for my confusion, with unutterable sweetness in hervoice: Come, do not allow delusive imagination to run away with thee,but curb him, and rein him up, and stop him, and be wise. For Ibelong, body and soul, to Narasinha. And yet, for all that, I am myown mistress, and act exactly as I choose. And I see anyone I please,and at my own time, and go, like a wild elephant, wherever inclinationleads me. And music is my passion, and I heard of thee, and sent forthee, and now that I have seen thee, I like thee. And now, shall we befriends?

  And as she ended, she put out towards me both her hands, leaningtowards me, and looking at me with a smile, and eyes full of aninvitation so irresistibly caressing that it swept away myself-control, consuming it like a blade of grass in a forest fire. AndI started to my feet, and instantly she rose herself. And I seized herright hand in my own, with a grip that made it an unwilling prisonerbeyond all hope of escape. And I e
xclaimed with agitation: Friends!only friends! Alas! O Tarawali, hast thou given thyself, body andsoul, so absolutely to Narasinha, as not to have left even the verysmallest atom over, for me, now that I have discovered thee at last? OI have dreamed of thee, and thy sweetness, and thy eyes, so long, solong.

  And as I gazed at her, forgetting everything in the world, but myincontrollable thirst for herself, she sighed, and she said withcompassion: Poor boy! I did ill, to summon thee at all. Thou art onlydrinking poison, and yet I know not any antidote, save only to bidthee go away.

  And I stood, bereft of my senses, and without knowing what I did,pulling her by the hand, that lay reluctantly in mine, endeavouring tofree itself in vain. And half resisting, half consenting, against herown will, to be pulled, she came slowly towards me, leaning back, andlooking at me with eyes that seemed to implore me to release her, andyet, unable to be harsh, no matter what I did. And at last, shereached me, and she closed her eyes, as I kissed her, with a shudderof delight that was almost terror, on the lips. And then instantly Ilet her go, and stood aghast at what I had done. And I stammered:Forgive! for I did not know what I was doing.

  And she shook her head, and said very gently: Nay, it is I myself whoam to blame: since I might have known that this would be theinevitable end. But now, good-bye! for thou hast been here already fartoo long. And then, she hesitated for an instant, looking at me as ifwith pity; and she said with a smile: Thou must absolutely go, and yetmy heart is sorry for thee, for I understand, what going means, tothee. Come, if thou wilt, I will allow thee, to bid me good-bye.

  And as she held out her arms, looking at me with a smile, my reasonfled. And I caught her anyhow, with one arm round her waist, and theother round her neck, turning round unawares, so that suddenly I foundher lying in my arms, gazing up into my eyes, with lips that trembledas they smiled. And I drew a deep sigh, and then I kissed her in afrenzy with a kiss that seemed as if it would never end.

  And then, I almost threw her from me, with a cry. And I turned andfled away, without looking back, and found, I know not how, the door,and knocked, and it was opened; and I got, somehow or other, into thestreet. And I went home like one walking in a dream, with feet thatfound their way of their own accord.

  X

  And I threw myself on my bed, and lay, all night long, asleep orawake, I know not which, but gazing with eyes that as it were shoneinto the dark, and a heart burning with the fire of joy, and a soullost in the ecstasy of recollection, saying to myself without ceasing:I have found her, I have found her: and the reality is sweeter fareven than the dream. And morning arrived, as it seemed, even beforenight had begun, for time was lost altogether in the abyss ofreminiscence. And I rose up, and stood still, with my eyes fixed uponthe ground, going over every detail, and striving to recall every atomof the meeting of the day before. And I said to myself: Ha! and foolthat I was, I very nearly missed her, by refusing to go at all. Andunless that lucky elephant had chanced to come along, I was absolutelylost. And yet, how could I possibly have guessed that Tarawali wouldturn out to be the lady of my dream? O joy, that she caught me justbefore I went away! O the star in her hair, and the sound of hervoice, and O the unendurable torture of being absent for an instantfrom the possibility of the nectar of her kiss!

  And then, all at once, I started, for a thought ran of its own accordlike a dagger straight into my heart. And I exclaimed: Alas! I hadforgotten. How in the world am I ever to see her again? And she said:Good-bye! Can it be that she intended I was never to return? Alas!beyond a doubt, good-bye was good-bye, and for all her extraordinarykindness, she was offended by my overweening presumption, and sent meaway, and will not send for me again. Aye! all is over: for likeDurga,[24] she is absolutely inaccessible, unless she chooses toreveal herself to her miserable devotee of her own accord. Aye indeed!my arrogance has ruined me in her estimation, and I cannot even hopeever to see her any more. Fool that I was, and mad, to run away like adeer, never so much as dreaming of providing for my return! Nowindeed, I have dropped myself into a well without a rope, and she isas utterly beyond my reach, as if indeed she were a star.

  And my knees shook, and I sank down, with my head buried in my hands,ready to cry, for sheer anguish, at the thought of my inability to getat her, and the horror on purpose to keep me in suspense, and torturemy impatience. And then at last, she said: Sunset! What! didst thoufear I was going to say Farewell?

  And as she laughed again, I caught her by the hand, in exultation, andher laughter suddenly changed into a shriek. And she said, with morelaughter: Nay, thou hast come within a little of breaking my hand inpieces, gripping it like one that catches at a twig, to save himselffrom drowning. What! wouldst thou requite a benefit, by injuring thybenefactor? Or hast thou again mistaken one hand for another? Andagain she began to laugh, looking at me slily, with her provokingpretty eyes: and she said: No matter, I forgive thee, for as I said, Iunderstand. But O Shatrunjaya the lute-player, what is it that hasmade thee change thy mind, since yesterday? Or am I to go back andtell the Queen, once more, that her music-master will not come?

  And she turned, laughing still, to go away. But I sprang forward, andcaught her in my arms again, and said: Nay, dear Chaturika, do not go.Stay just a little longer, for art thou not her shadow?

  And yet once more she began to laugh, pushing me away, as sheexclaimed: It is utterly impossible, O Shatrunjaya, for I have manythings to do, and very little time. And I am not sure that I care tobe embraced, merely because I am the shadow of another. Thou mustcontrive how thou canst, without me, to restrain thy insatiableappetite of embracing other people, till sunset. Patience! thou hastnot long to wait.

  And she went out and shut the door, and suddenly, just as it wasclosing, she opened it again, and put in her head. And she said: ShallI tell her of thy anxiety to embrace me, or leave it to thee? DearChaturika! Ah! ah! Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when sheturns away!

  And then she shut the door and disappeared.

  XI

  And as the door shut behind her, she left the whole room filled to thevery brim with the red glow of triumphant love's emotion, and theatmosphere of the ecstasy of happiness; and the laughter, of which sheseemed to be the incarnation, hung, so to say, in every corner of theroom. And my heart sang and my blood bubbled with the wave of theocean of anticipation that surged and swelled within me, so that I wasutterly unable to sit still, for sheer joy; and my soul began as itwere to dance in such excitement, that I could hardly refrain fromshouting, resembling one intoxicated by the abruptness of a suddenchange from certain death to the very apex of life's sweetness. And Isaid to myself: Sunset! So, then, beyond a doubt, she has eitherforgiven me, or is willing to forgive. And who knows? For if she hasforgiven once, she may forgive again: when again, it may be, she willallow me to say good-bye. And at the thought, my heart began to burnwith dull fire, hurting me so that I could hardly breathe: and yetstrange! the pain was divided only by a hair from a sweetness sointense that I laughed aloud, without knowing why, like one hoveringon the very verge of being mad. And so I remained, drowned in theocean of the torture and the nectar of love-longing, every now andthen waking as from a day-dream to wonder at the sun, who seemed todawdle on his way, as if on purpose to separate my soul from my bodywith impatience. But at last, after all, day began slowly to come toan end, and I set out for the palace, with feet that could hardly berestrained from running as fast as they could go.

  And at the gate the very same _pratihari_ was waiting, and she led meaway, exactly as before, to the door, and opened it, and I went in.And I stood, listening to its sound as it shut behind me, hardly ableto believe that it was not a dream, as I found myself once more in thegarden that contained the Queen. And I stopped for a while, for myheart was beating so furiously that I was afraid it would break. And Isaid to myself, with a sigh of ineffable relief: Ah! now, then, I amactually here, once more. And O now, very soon, comes the agonisingrapture of seeing her again. And I wonder where she is, and how Ishall find her to-nigh
t. And now I must begin to hunt for a very sweetquarry. And suddenly I started almost running, paying absolutely noattention to the trees at all, with eyes that were blind foreverything in the world, except one.

  And then, all at once, I stopped short: for I looked and saw her, alittle way off, under a great _nyagrodha_ tree, sitting crossways ina low swing[25] that hung down from a long bough, holding one of itsropes in her left hand that was stretched as high as it could go, andleaning back against the other with her head cushioned in her bentright arm. And she had her left foot tucked beneath her, so that herleft knee stood up in the swing, while her right leg was stretched outbelow, so that its foot just reached the ground, to allow her to swingvery gently, whenever her toes touched the earth. And the lovely lineof her great right hip seemed to cry for admiration, running down in asingle unbroken curve from her waist into the ground, balanced as itwere above by the slender beauty of her left arm rising from the moundof her left breast. And the rising moon which she was watching touchedher with a faint lustre, lighting up like a lamp the great gem in herhair, and making the champak blossom that floated in the hollow of herbosom's wave glimmer like the foam on a midnight sea. And after awhile, I began to steal towards her on tiptoe, fearing to disturb her,lest the lovely picture should be spoiled, yet yearning to be with herwith the whole strength of my soul. But all at once, she heard mecoming, and looked round and saw me. And instantly she left her swing,and came towards me, walking quickly with undulating steps, as uprightas a pillar of her own tree. And I stood still, to watch her coming,and adore it, and delay it, but she reached me in a moment, and shestopped, and said with a smile: I am very glad to see thee. I sentthee, by the mouth of Chaturika, a time, and yet I hardly dared tohope for thy coming: since doubtless thou hast a better use for thyhours than to waste them upon me.

  And I stared at her, in utter stupefaction: and then, all at once Ibegan to laugh. And I exclaimed: Waste! I do not understand. What dostthou mean? Or what was thy object in bidding me to come to thee atsunset? Surely not merely to talk to me of music? And she looked at megently, with surprise. And she said: Of course. What other objectcould I have? And I looked at her in silence, saying to myself: Can itreally be possible that she means exactly what she says, and that thiswas the only significance of the word she sent to me? And suddenly Ileaned towards her, with hunger in my eyes. And I said: Then indeed, Iwas mistaken. It was not so, that I interpreted thy summons. Alas! OTarawali, the only music that I came for was the music of thyincomparable voice, and I thought it was thy own deliberate intentionto send for me simply that I might listen to it again, as I gazed onits owner with adoration.

  And she looked at me reproachfully, and she said: Again! Alas! Iimagined that thou wouldst ere now have recovered from thy shock ofyesterday, and be able now to help me; and yet, here is thy delusionreturning, as it seems, even worse than before. See now, forgetaltogether that I am a woman, and let us talk of music, like twofriends. And I laughed in derision, and I exclaimed: Forget that thouart a woman! Ask me rather to forget I am a man. Art thou blind, orhast thou never even looked into a mirror? Dost thou imagine me lessthan a man, bidding me forget that she is a woman who stands beforeme, as thou dost, smiling, and bewildering my soul with her maddeningloveliness, and the absolute perfection of her body and her soul,showing the hungry man food, and forbidding him to eat, and thethirsty man water, and requiring him to think of it as something it isnot? Or art thou all the time only playing, having no heart in thybody, or a stone for a heart? Didst thou summon me only to torture andtorment me? Dost thou not know, canst thou not see, the agony of mysuffering, standing close enough to seize thee in my arms, and yetkept at a distance, to listen to what I cannot even understand? I tellthee, I am drunk with thy beauty, and mad with intolerable desire forthe incomprehensible fascination of thy charm, and dost thou dream ofquenching my fire by talking about friends? I want no friendship fromthee. I will be more than a friend to thee, or less: aye! I would giveall the friendship in the three worlds for a single drop of nectar,mixed of thy body and thy soul.

  And as I spoke, she listened, putting up every now and then her hand,as if to stop me: and when I ended, she stood, looking at me inperplexity, as if utterly unable to decide what to do. And at last, Isaid: Why dost thou say nothing? And she said, simply; I do not knowwhat to say. And I laughed aloud, lost in admiration of theextraordinary simplicity of her incomparable reply. And I exclaimed: Othou wonderful woman, how can I find words to express what I feel forthee? And she said, as if with despair: I counted on thy recovery. AndI said: Count not on my recovery, for I never shall recover. And shesaid, with a smile: Then, as it seems, I shall never have my musiclesson. And perhaps it would be better, if it ended here, without everhaving begun. And in any case, to-night, thy visit must of necessitybe a very short one, since I have other business, unexpectedly arisen,to do. And so, shall we say good-night, without any more delay?

  And I said slowly: If I must go, I must: for I will obey thee, orderwhat thou wilt. And yet, wilt thou not allow me at least to bid theegood-bye, as thou didst last night?

  And she looked at me, as I leaned towards her, as if with reproach,and she stood for a moment, hesitating, and as it were, balanced inthe swing of her own beautiful irresolution. And then, after a while,she sighed, and put out her hand, as if with resignation. And I drewher to me with a clutch, and caught her in my arms, showering on herlips and her eyes and her hair kisses that resembled a rain of fire:while all the time she offered absolutely no resistance, allowing meto do with her exactly as I pleased. And when at last I stopped tobreathe, looking at her with eyes dim with emotion, she said, verygently, with a smile, lying just as she was, fettered in my arms:Hast thou yet bid me good-bye, to thy satisfaction? And I said in alow voice: Nay, not at all. For thou hast not yet kissed me in return,even once. And as if out of compassion, she did as she was told:kissing me gently, over and over again, for I would not let her stop,with kisses that resembled snowflakes that burned as they fell.

  And at last, I let her go. And holding her two hands, I gazed at herfor a while in adoration, while she looked at me as if patientlywaiting to be released, with a little smile. And I said: Now then Iwill obey thee, and go: for thou hast given me something that willkeep me alive. And yet thou art cheating me by sending me away beforethe time, and thou owest me the rest. Promise me, that thou wiltsummon me to-morrow, or I cannot go away, even if I try. For if I go,not knowing when I shall see thee again, I will slay myself on thypalace steps.

  And she drew away her hands, very gently, and turned away, and stoodlooking down upon the ground, reflecting. And I watched her, as Iwaited, with anxiety: for she seemed to be meditating, not so much ofme, as of something unknown to me, that stood in the way of herdecision. And then at last, she turned towards me, looking at me, asit seemed, with pity. And she said, almost sadly, and yet with asmile: Poor moth, thou wilt only burn away thy wings. Thou littleknowest, what eyes are on thee, or the danger thou art running byoverestimating me, and coming here at all. And yet, the mischief hasbeen done, and thou art greatly to be pitied, having fallen under aspell: and thou art suffering from a fever to which nothing can bringany alleviation but myself. And it would be far better to refuse thee,since to grant thy request cannot possibly do thee any good. And yet Icannot find it in my heart to deny thee what thou cravest, since I ammyself the involuntary cause of all thy delusion, and can give theesuch extraordinary pleasure, with so very little trouble to myself.And so, I will give thee thy desire, and to-morrow's sunset shall bethine.

  And I uttered a cry of joy. And utterly unable to control my emotion,I caught her once more in my arms, kissing her passionately withtrembling lips. And suddenly I shuddered with delight, for I felt herlips kissing me again. And my senses reeled, and I murmured withemotion: Ah! thou lady of my dream, art thou real, or am I still onlydreaming after all? And she stood back, putting me away with her hand,and she said, gently: I am real, but thou seest me through the eyes ofthy dream. For what is there
, after all, in me, save what thou puttestthere thyself, with the aid of thy fancy, and thy passion, and therecollection of thy dream?

  And I looked at her in silence for a while, and then I said: Promiseme yet one thing more. And she smiled, and said: Thou art insatiable:and yet, what is it? And I said: Send me Chaturika in the morning,just to tell me what I know already. For I shall be dying ofimpatience, and she is like a foretaste of thyself, and will help tokeep me alive.

  And she laughed, and she said: Ah! thou art very crafty, for Chaturikais far prettier than I. But I will send her for all that, to gratifythee to the full. And moreover, I am not jealous. But now, thou mustabsolutely go: for I must also. And she leaned towards me, with eyesthat were full of an unutterable caress: and she said: To-morrow, atsunset, I will be thy dream. Only remember, not to blame me, foranything that may happen when awaking comes.

  And I turned and went away, with a heart that trembled in theextremity of joy. And when I had gone a little way, I looked back, andsaw her still standing, looking after me, with her two hands claspedbehind her head, as motionless as a tree. And after a little while, Ilooked again, and she was gone.

  XII

  And when I got home, I threw myself on my bed, and instantly fell fastasleep, for I was worn out by emotion and fatigue: and my slumberresembled the deep peace of my own heart. And a little before thedawn, I woke up, and went out, wandering where my footsteps led me,with a soul lost in meditation on Tarawali, bathed in the nectar ofreminiscence and anticipation, and yet puzzled by a doubt that itcould not resolve. And I said to myself as I went along: How in theworld can a queen like her, who laughs all other women to utterscorn, for beauty and understanding and gentleness and sweetness, andsome unintelligible magic charm that is somehow spread all over her,and echoes in the tone of her delicious voice that makes every fibreof my heart tremble every time I hear it; how can such a queen as sheshow such extraordinary favour to such a thing as me? For I couldunderstand it, if it were any other man. For then I should say thatbeyond all doubt, she actually preferred him to all others in theworld, for sheer affection. And yet, as it is, it is quiteincomprehensible. For, it might seem, that she must be in love with meherself, returning my affection: and yet it cannot be. For how couldsuch a miracle as she is, the supreme achievement of the Creator, andthe concentrated essence of the charm of all her sex, think of such aone as me, even in a dream, as an object of affection? And yet, ifnot, how is her behaviour to be explained? For I might perhaps believethat she was merely playing with me for her own amusement, were sheany other woman than exactly the one she is: but as it is, no onecould believe it that had ever seen her for an instant: and she needsno other argument in her defence than every glance at her supplies.And it may be, after all, that she took up with Narasinha merely outof pique, at being so unceremoniously slighted and cast off as a thingof no value by her booby of a husband, and, as it were, also out ofgratitude to find herself appreciated at her true value, which shemust very well understand notwithstanding all her own beautifulself-depreciation, which is an extra charm enhancing all her othercharms: and afterwards, it may be, she has changed her mind, as womendo, about Narasinha, without being willing to admit it, even toherself; and come, only the other day, suddenly on me. Aye! beyond adoubt, this would be the true conclusion, and the answer to theriddle, but for one consideration that makes it utterly impossible,that I am only I.

  And so as I debated with myself, all at once I heard my own namecalled aloud in the air. And I looked up, and lo! there was my oldfriend Haridasa,[26] on a camel. And he said: Ha! Shatrunjaya, artthou thyself indeed, or another exactly like thee, or hast thou lostthy senses and thy ears? For here have I been calling to thee, allalong the street, without succeeding in waking thee from thy dream,till now. And what can it be, that can so fill thy mind as to stop upall its entrances?

  And I exclaimed in delight: Ah! Haridasa, thou art come in the verynick of time, the very man, at this moment, that I need most. Get offthy camel, for a while, and come and sit beside me, and find me, ifthou canst, an answer to a question that I cannot find myself. And sohe did. And as soon as we were seated by the roadside, I said to him:Haridasa, listen. Thou knowest me well. Now tell me thy opinion: am Ione that a woman might choose out of many for a lover?

  And Haridasa began to laugh. And he looked at me shrewdly, and hesaid: Aha! Shatrunjaya the lute-player, so this was thy preoccupation?Art thou one to catch a woman's fancy? O Shatrunjaya, why not? For artthou not a musician, famous in the world, and a man among men, intothe bargain? All women love a giant, such as thou art. Any woman ofthem all might do worse than fall in love with thee. And yet thy veryquestion shows, that in this matter of women, thou art little betterthan a child, as indeed thou always wert. For even the Deity himselfcan never tell what man any woman will prefer, or why: as how shouldhe, seeing that she does not even know, herself? And there never yetexisted any man whom some woman would not worship, let him be as uglyas you please, or even for that very reason: and yet, let a man be avery Kamadewa, woman after woman will pass him by, without even somuch as casting a glance at him out of the very corner of her eye. Fora woman's affection depends on her fancy, and that is like the wind,that comes and goes and wavers how and where it will, without a reasonthat anybody can discover. And it is sheer waste of time to sit andwonder, whether thou art or art not a man that a woman might love.Thou art both, or neither: for the only way to settle thy question isto try. And she will, or she will not, of her own accord. And now, whois she, this beauty who has set thee so knotty a problem to solve?

  And I said with indifference: There is no such beauty; for all myperplexity arose from the line of an old song: Nectar when she turnstowards thee: poison when she turns away.

  And Haridasa turned sharp towards me, and looked at me intently for avery long while, saying absolutely nothing. And we sat talking ofother things till he rose to go away. And then, at the very moment hewas mounting on his camel, he turned, and came back. And he said:Listen! Thou art hiding from me something that maybe I could startlethee by guessing: but no matter. Keep thy secret: but listen to apiece of good advice, which may serve thee at a pinch. If ever thouwouldst have a woman prize thee, never let her see that thou settestany store by her. Treat her as a straw, and she will run after thee asif thou wert a magnet: make thyself her slave, and she will hold theecheap, and discard thee for another. For women think meanly of theirsex, and utterly despise the man who places them above himself: sincein her heart every woman longs to be a man, bewailing her misfortunein being born a woman, and praying all her life for one thing only, tobe born a man in another birth. And one thing above all she cannotunderstand, how or why any man should make a fuss about any woman, asall men do: which, just because she is not a man herself, she cannotcomprehend. And like jugglers, that are not taken in by their owntricks, women look upon men as mere fools, for being taken in at all.For a woman's charm, to a woman, is not only not a charm at all, but atrick, and a lure, understood, and utterly despised. So now, be aman, and whatever folly thou art meditating, at least beware of beingguilty of the very greatest of them all, by doubting of thy ownsuperiority of manhood to the womanhood of any woman, no matter whoshe be: and earning her contempt, by lying at her feet. And now,farewell! for I have business with Narasinha.

  And at the name of Narasinha, I pricked up my ears. And I said, withfeigned indifference: Who is Narasinha?

  And Haridasa spat upon the ground. And he said: One, whom thou artlucky not to know: and yet, his name is _apropos_. For he is theQueen's lover, and an instance in point: since he leads her by astring, just because he treats her as a trifle, and not, as all herother lovers do, as a gem not to be matched by any other in the sea.And yet he is not, like thee, a man among men, but a man among women.For just as a dancing-girl loves to be treated as a queen, so does aqueen love to be treated as a dancing-girl.

  And then, all at once, he struck me on the shoulder. And he said, in alow voice: Why didst thou start, when I named Narasinha?<
br />
  And without waiting for any answer, he got quickly on his camel, androde away, never looking back.

  XIII

  And I stood, looking after him, with a startled heart, and then I wenthome slowly, saying to myself: How in the world did he guess mysecret, and what did he mean? Was there a warning in his words? Andwhat is all this about the Queen? Did he ever see her in his life? forif he had, he would long ago have discovered that all his rules haveexceptions, of which Tarawali is one: being not only the very gembeyond comparison that he spoke of with contempt, but a woman of womenwho very certainly never would despise any one at all, least of allthe man who thought her exactly what she is, a star, far, far abovehis own muddy earth: a thing made of some rare celestial matter,differing altogether from anything to be found here below, fetched bythe Creator when he meant to make her from some abysmal intermundanemine, where ocean foam and lunar ooze and sandal-wood and camphor liejumbled up together with the essence of all curves and smiles andwhispers and soft kisses and sweet glances and irresolution and longhair. And the image of the Queen rose up before me, laughing as itwere in scorn at Haridasa, and utterly obliterating everything hesaid. And I said to myself in ecstasy: Sunset will be here, very soon.And I reached my house, and looked, and lo! there was sitting at thedoor a Rajpoot, covered with the desert's dust, and holding by therein a horse that hung its head, trembling still, and white with foam.

  And as I came towards him, he stood up, and made obeisance. And hesaid: Maharaj, thou art come at last, and it was time. And I said:What is the matter? Then he said: Thy mother sent me, and I haveridden night and day. The King thy father is dying, and every momenthe may be dead. And now, if thou carest, either for thy father, or thymother, or thy throne, there is only one chance for thee, to fly tothem as fast as any horse can take thee, without the delay of a singlemoment. So my message is delivered, and the Maharaj is judge.

  And again he made obeisance, and went away on foot, leading his horsebehind. And I stood, looking after him in a stupor, like one struck bya bolt from heaven, in the form of his appalling news. And I said tomyself: Go I must, or my mother is ousted, and the _raj_ lost. And yetif I go, the sun will set in the Queen's garden, and I shall not bethere.

  And I pushed my door wide open, and went in, and sat down, with myface buried in my hands. And my own words sang in my head, over andover again: Go I must, or the _raj_ is lost, and my mother ousted. Andthe sun will set in the Queen's garden, and I shall not be there.

  And I heard a laugh beside me, and I looked up. Lo! there wasChaturika, standing in the open door! And she looked at me withlaughing eyes, and she said: Ha! as it seems, I am just in time tosave thy life: for thou art apparently all but dead. And, beyond adoubt, the Queen is a cunning doctor, who understands her patient'scase. For she sent me to thee, saying: Go to him, O Chaturika, sincewithout thee he will die: and help him, how thou canst, to live untilthe sun has set.

  And I stood up, and seized my hair with both my hands. And I groanedaloud, and said: Alas! O Chaturika, what is a man to do, when two sunsset, in opposite directions? And instantly, all the laughter died outof her face. And she looked at me with dark eyes, and she said: Twosuns! What dost thou mean? And I told her all, and she listened insilence, till I ended. And then she said, with a sigh of relief: Ah!is that all? And I exclaimed: All? is it not enough for thee? And shesaid: I was terrified, by thy talking of two suns. For I began tothink the Queen had a rival in thy affection. And I laughed, in angerand derision, and I exclaimed: A rival! Thou little fool! I am sorelytempted to beat thee, for daring to think anything of the kind, evenin a dream. What! a rival! to Tarawali! Thou art stark mad. How couldshe possibly have a rival in the three worlds? But what am I to do?And she said: It is thy choice, not mine. Only when once a sun hasset, who can tell, if it will ever rise again? And what am I to say tothe Queen?

  And as she stood, looking at me, for an answer, there rose into myrecollection the image of Tarawali, leaning towards me in themoonlight, and saying: To-morrow, at sunset, I will be thy dream. Andsuddenly I exclaimed: Go back to her, O Chaturika, and tell her thatmy only sun is the sun that sets in a Queen's garden.

  And then, to my astonishment, that singular Chaturika suddenly threwherself into my arms, and kissed me without waiting to be asked. Andseeing me look at her in perplexity, she burst out laughing, and shesaid with delight: Ah! ah! So then, after all, there is a difference,as it seems, between Chaturika and Tarawali. No doubt some kisses arefar sweeter, but the sun must set, ere the lovely digit of the moonrises, and I must do what I can meanwhile, to help thee to keep alive.It was her own order. And moreover she will not be jealous, and willnot scold me when I tell her all about it on my return. And I said:Nay, thou saucy little beauty, tell her with all my heart, and add,that her drug was efficacious, since sandal-wood and camphor turneverything that touches them into a little bit of fragrance exactlylike their own. And take her hand, and kiss it, and say I send thekiss, like her message, by thy mouth, and here it is.

  And I caught her in my arms, and kissed her as she struggled, notwilling this time to be kissed at all, exactly on her laughing lips,and then she went away.

  XIV

  And I said to myself in ecstasy, as she disappeared: Out on the verynotion of leaving Tarawali in the lurch, and losing the very essenceof the nectar of the lady of my dream, so kind, so clever, and sowonderful as she is! Well did she understand, how the very sight ofthis audacious little _cheti_ would act like a balm on the fever of mylonging for herself: carrying about with her, as she does, areminiscence of the intoxicating fragrance of the great champakflower, whose messenger she is, like a female bee, scatteringanother's honey as she goes. Aye! Chaturika is like a letter, smellingof the sandal of the hand that wrote it, far away. And Tarawaliunderstood it all, and sent her; not being jealous, as Chaturika says,and indeed, as she said herself, last night. As if a star of heavencould possibly be jealous of a little Ganges pot![27] Aye! little didmy mother dream, when she sent to fetch me, what influence she hadagainst her. As if I would purchase any kingdom in the world at theprice of sacrificing my sunset with the Queen! And how can I help it,if the King my father chose just this unlucky astrologicalconjunction, to die? Or what good can be done by haste? For if he isdead already, as is very likely, all is lost, and it is useless to goat all. And if on the contrary, he lives for a little longer, I shallfind him still alive, if I start to-morrow. And is it likely he willlive or die exactly so, as to make my starting now either necessary oradvantageous? And shall I take the risk, and throw away the very fruitof my birth, for nothing at all? And what would Tarawali think of me,if I left her in the lurch, counting her inestimable favour as astraw? Beyond all doubt, she would wipe me from her memory as a thingbeneath even contempt, like a sieve, all holes, into which it isfutile to pour anything at all. No, I will keep my sunset, even if Ilose my kingdom. And yet, why should I, after all? For to-morrow whenI actually start, I will go very fast indeed, preparing everythingbeforehand, and having my horse waiting for me, so as to lose no timewhen I leave the Queen, carrying with me as I ride the memory ofto-night: whereas if I threw her over, and set off to-night, thethought of what I was leaving behind would be so heavy as utterly toprevent me from going along at all.

  And so I mused, waiting all the time with fierce impatience for thesun to sink, till at last day came to an end. And then I rose indelight, exclaiming: At last, at last, separation is over, and now itis time! And I went very quickly to the palace, and found the_pratihari_: and she led me away straight to the door, and opened it,and I went in.

  XV

  And then, once more, I stood still, listening in ecstasy to the dooras it shut behind me, and tasting, as it were, for an instant thedelicious promise that the dusky garden gave me, standing like a diveron the edge of ocean, just before he plunges in, knowing well that itholds a pearl. And I stretched my arms towards the trees, saying tomyself: This is not like the other times, but far, far better: forto-night she will not ask me to give her a mu
sic lesson, but she saidherself, she would be my dream. And I wonder how she will do it, andwhat she is going to do. And then I went on through the trees, lookingfrom side to side, with a soul as it were on tiptoe with curiosity andanticipation. And far away through the trees I saw the red rim of thefull moon rising in a great hurry as if like myself he was dying withimpatience just to see her, and saying as it were: I am the only lampfit to light her, and I am just coming in another moment, likeherself. And I passed by her swing that hung drooping, as it were,sadly from its tree, because she was not there. And little by little,my heart began to crave for the sight of her, growing restless anduneasy, and saying to itself with anxiety: What if something hadactually prevented her from coming, and the garden were really asempty as it seems, and she were not here at all. And then at last Ireached the terrace by the pool, exactly where I saw her first, andlooked round with eager eyes, and she was not there. And then, just asI was on the verge of sinking into the black abyss of disappointment,all at once she came out of the shadow of a clump of great bamboos, inwhich she had been hiding, as it seemed, just to tease me into thebelief she was not there, in order to intensify the unutterabledelight of her abrupt appearance. And she stood still, as if to let melook at her, between two bamboo stems, just touching them with thevery tips of the fingers of each hand, and saying in her soft sweetvoice with a smile: Was I not right in choosing this as the onlyproper place for thee to meet the lady of thy dream, where we met eachother first?

  And I stood, confounded and as it were, dazed, by a vision somarvellously lovely that it puzzled me, murmuring to myself: Can thisbe Tarawali after all, and what has she done to herself, for she haschanged, somehow or other, into the incarnation of some deity exactlylike her, and she looks like an image of the wife of Wishnu[28] thathas somehow or other come down from its pedestal on a temple wall? Forshe was clothed in some strange colour that hovered between pallidyellow and deep red, seeming to have been borrowed from the settingsun and the rising moon. And it was all pulled forward, so that itclung somehow or other tight to her rounded limbs, making her wholeoutline from head to foot look like soft marble in the moonlit dusk,and it was collected in front into one great heavy fold that hungstraight down like a red pillar from the very middle of her smallwaist, ending just above her feet in great gold tassels, that nearlytouched the huge anklets of green jade with which her two little barefeet were loaded, as if to help them to stand firm. And a soft broadband of gold ran right round her just below her lovely breast, thatlay held in its gold cup like a great double billow made of the creamylather of the sea, prevented from escaping as it swelled up by thedelicious dam formed by the curve of her shoulders meeting the softbulge of the upper part of her rounded arms, which came out from eachside and seemed as it were to wave gently in the air like creepersprays, free and unconfined, and not like her feet, chained down, butabsolutely bare of any ornament at all. And on her hair was not astar, but a great yellow moonstone, that shone with a dull glimmerlike a rival moon of her own, and over her left shoulder a long coilof dark hair came out from behind her head and hung down like aserpent, ending in a soft wisp like a yak's tail that was tied roundwith yellow silk. And the only thing that she retained of what she wasbefore was the intoxicating charm of the upright poise of her wholefigure, which seemed to say to me as I saw it: I am the one thingabout her which she cannot possibly hide or alter, let her do what shewill.

  And she stood quite still, as I gazed at her in ecstasy, lost in thewonder of my own eyes, looking back at me with her head just a littleon one side, and her eyebrows just a very little raised, as if withappeal, and great soft sweet caressing smiling eyes. And then, after awhile, she said, looking down: See, my feet are prisoners to-night, todo thee honour, as their lord, and they cannot walk fast or far, butit does not matter, as they will not be wanted, for I have a surprisecoming for thee, by and by. But as to my arms, I thought it better toleave them without the encumbrance of any ornament at all. And shewaved them gently in the air, and a little smile stole over her lips,and she said: It would only have been in the way, if the fancy shouldcome upon thee to say good-bye in thy own fashion. And now, it wasvery difficult for me to know exactly what to do, so as to place thelady of thy dream before thee, since thou hast never told me what shelooked like in the dream. And so thou must forgive me, if I have comein anything short of thy expectation, for I have done what I could.Art thou satisfied with her, as she stands? For if not, I must call mysoul to the assistance of its body.

  And I stood, unable to speak or move, gazing at her almost in a swoonby reason of the excess of my intoxication; and after a while, I drewa very deep sigh. And she came towards me, very slowly, as I stoodrooted to the ground; and she put up her arms, and laid one hand oneach shoulder, with a touch like the fall of a flake of snow. And shesaid: I know what is the matter: thou art spellbound by a return ofthy original delusion. But it will leave thee, and thy senses willreturn to thee, once thou hast said good-bye. And then, seized withfrenzy, I caught her in my arms, and suddenly she prevented me fromkissing her by putting her hand over my mouth. And she said with asmile: Wait! Am I equal to Chaturika, for as it seems, thou hast beenplaying me false? And for all answer, I took her hand, and kissed it,and put it round my neck, and then fell to kissing her in madness,continuing for I know not how long, bereft of my senses by the perfumeof her hair and the touch of her arms. And then at last, I took herface in my hands. And I said: Away with Chaturika! Thou knowest all,and art only jesting: and my soul quivers in my body at the sound ofthy name. And she laughed, as I kissed her very gently on her twoeyes, and she said: Perhaps I know: and yet, I will not forgive theefor Chaturika, but on one condition. And I said: Ask anything thouwilt: it matters not. Then she said: Look at me very carefully, andthink ere thou speakest: and tell me, exactly what it is, in me, thatchains thee so to me, which Chaturika and others are without.

  And I said: Stand still, and let me look at thee, and think. And I puther away, and stood back, examining her very carefully just as she hadwished, walking round and round her, and saying to myself: It isabsolutely useless, for I know what to say without any need oflooking, and yet I do not know if I can ever bring myself to stop,since she has given me, as if on purpose to delight me, a task moredelicious than I ever had to do before. And all the time she stoodabsolutely still, patiently waiting till I ended, and looking at meevery time I came round, with raised eyebrows and a smile. And atlast, I could not endure it any longer, and I said: Ah! come back intomy arms, which hunger for thee, and I will answer. And instantly, shecame and stood, listening attentively, and caressing my ear unawares,as she listened, with her hand. And I said: Thy question isunanswerable, and my examination nothing to the purpose: since wherewas the use of looking at thy lovely body to find what is only to befound in thy soul, to which thy body owes the essence of even its ownintoxication? For thy soul peeps out, from behind it, in the poise ofthy head, and the straight erectness of its carriage, and the aroma ofthe royalty of sex that oozes, as it were, from its every gesture,mixed, in some unintelligible way, with a soft grace that seems to beall its own. But the spell thou art asking me to catch for thee looksfrom thy eyes, and lurks in thy lips, and murmurs in thy marvellousvoice, which was silent all the while I was considering: and it is,some naive and submissive gentleness in the quality of thy soul, whichturns all thy other perfections into instruments of delirium, and yetnotwithstanding contradicts them all. For any other woman but thyselfpossessing even one of them would be proud, whereas thou dost not evenseem to be aware that there is anything about thee other than thecommon. And as it seems to me, it is this, which is the core of thyirresistible fascination, giving to all thy particular elements ofloveliness a kind of salt, that mixes with their sweetness to drive memad.

  And she looked at me silently with meditative eyes; and after a whileshe said slowly: I wish I were a man, only for a moment, to judge ofmyself and thy answer: for in one way thou art right, since I cannotunderstand why all men seem to lose their reason,
as soon as they seeme. And I said: There it is again, the very thing I spoke of, in thywords: and it is so simple, and yet so indescribably delicious, thatvery glad indeed I am that thou art not a man, but a woman, and thatit is I that am the man. And it would be a crime in the Creator togratify thy wish by making thee a man, who art the very essence of allwomanly perfection and attraction. And for satisfaction of thy wish,look at thyself through my eyes, and thy wish is attained, since I ammyself the very mirror provided thee by the Creator for that verypurpose. And so learn, by my mouth, that thy spell is something inthee that resembles the peace of a forest pool. And even to-night, allthe while we have been together, thou hast been, and art, so curiouslyquiet, like the breast of a swan, bathing in the water of passion andemotion without even getting wet, and like the snow of Kailas, nevermelting even in the sun of noon.

  And again she looked at me with curiosity: and she sighed, as if todismiss what she could not comprehend. And she said: See! the moon hasclimbed high, and is gazing on the lotuses, and I am tired ofstanding, and the time has come to give thee thy surprise. And shedrew me away by the hand along the terrace, and down its marble steps,till we came to a great tree that hung down over the water like anumbrella, leaning from the bank of the pool, so that nothing could beseen through its wall. And she took me and turned me with my face tothe water, and she said: Stand here absolutely still, and do not lookround, and I will bring thee thy surprise. And then she went quicklyinto the trees.

  And I stood waiting, exactly as I was told, listening to her steps asshe went away, and wondering where she was going, and what she wasmeditating, and what the surprise was, when it came. And so as Istood, I said to myself: Can I really be awake, or is it all only along dream? For I seem to have been dreaming ever since I saw herfirst. And time slipped away, and still I stood, straining my ears forthe sound of her steps returning, and dying to look round, but neverlooking, and haunted by a feeling that was almost terror, saying tomyself: Why is she away so long, and what if she never returns at all?

  And so as I stood, with my soul in my ears, turned as it were behindme, suddenly there came round the tree upon the water a great boat ofthe colour of a lotus leaf, turned up at each end like the neck of aswan. And it came straight towards me, and as it reached me, itsboatman stood up, looking at me with a smile.

  And I started, and all at once I laughed aloud, for amazement anddelight: and even so, I hardly knew her to be herself. For she hadcast away all her deity, and turned herself into a _cheti_, resemblinga fragrant essence of midnight without a moon, clothed with absolutesimplicity in soft dead black, with her own dark hair for her onlydecoration, tied in a knot around her head like a cloud of mistyintoxication, and floating about her shoulders in confusion. And shelooked at me with questioning eyes that shone bright in the moon'srays, and said naively, with a smile that almost broke my heart intwo: Now I am within a little of being equal to Chaturika? Is the maida substitute for the queen that has disappeared?

  And as I gazed at her in rapture without giving any answer, she saidagain: See! now we will float for a little while among themoon-lotuses, before we say good-bye. And this is thy surprise. And itis a delight that I keep for myself alone, and very few indeed areprivileged to share it: but to-night, I am the lady of thy dream, andI will not do my favours by halves: and so thou shalt be my partner.And this is my swan's nest, and my floating cradle, in which I do mydreaming: for I can dream dreams as well as thou. And now I am goingto dream a little, and we will dream together. And come, for thelotuses are waiting for us.

  And I got into the boat, and pushed it out upon the water, and shecame to me of her own accord, and locked her arms around my neck. Andwe drifted to and fro, exactly as the boat chose, on the silent blackmirror of the pool, never saying a single word, but kissing each otherinsatiably with lips that were never tired, lost in the bottomlessabyss of the ecstasy of mutual union. And all the time she bathed mewith the beauty of her eyes, that like the pool, drew the moonlightdown into their dark depths, caressing me with soft hands that touchedme like the fall of a leaf, and lips that smiled and trembled like theshadows of the lotuses in the still water's swirl. And the moon rosehigher and higher, and the night crept unobserved away, for I wasutterly unconscious of the passage of any time. And then at last as Ilay, worn out and overcome by the excess of my own emotion, andlulled by the gentle drifting of the boat, and wrapt in the deliriumof oblivion arising from the unimaginable reality of the lady of mydream, unawares I fell asleep.

  XVI

  And when I awoke, lo! the moon was standing on the very edge of thewestern sky, and dawn was glimmering in the east. And the Queen wasgone! And I leaped out of the boat, which was fastened to the bank,and ran up into the garden, which was as dark and as empty of anythingliving as a tomb. And after looking for her a long time in vain, atlast in despair I went away to the door, and knocked, and it wasopened; and there stood, not the _pratihari_, but Chaturika. And Isaid: Chaturika, what has become of the Queen? And she said, withemphasis: Forget the Queen, and remember thy father: it is time.

  And I started, as if she had run a poisoned needle into my ears; for Ihad utterly forgotten all about him. And no sooner had I got out ofthe palace than I ran all the way home through the empty streets. AndI found my horse waiting, and I sprang on him, just as I was, and Iwent out of Kamalapura, making for the desert as if I were running arace with the god of death, to determine which of us should reach myfather first. And yet as I rode, I was thinking all the time of onething only, to return, quicker even than I went away, and listeningto my heart that sang without ceasing Tarawali, Tarawali, as ifkeeping time to the rattle of the hoofs of the horse. And after awhile, I began to say: If I am to return, it will have to be onanother horse: for whatever else dies, or does not die, this horsewill die, beyond a doubt, either at the end of his race, or it may be,even before.

  And it happened as I said. For suddenly the horse fell, to rise nomore, while yet there was far to go: leaving me alone in the desert,with the sun right over my head. And I exclaimed: Alas! out upon fate,and out upon my own folly, for now I have killed my horse, that Iloved better than my own soul! Alas! my horse was like my goodfortune.[29] And if I had only started in the night, he would have hadan easy journey, going slower in the cool hours. And I have offered myhorse a sacrifice, and it may be, my kingdom also, to my deityTarawali. And yet, what does it matter, after all? Is she not worthall the horses, and all the kingdoms in the world? Aye! I would givethem all, for another sunset like last night, with the lady of mydream. But what is to be done now? There is absolutely no help for it,and I must finish my journey how I can, going slowly on my own feet.

  And as I said, so I did: and so it came about, that faint and tiredand overcome, by hunger and thirst and the long journey and thefierceness of the desert sun, I began to reach my own city only as hewas going down. And as I slowly drew near it, making all the haste Icould, suddenly there fell on my ear a sound, coming to me from thecity, that smote it like a blow. And I stopped short, to listen; andall the hair on my body stood erect. And I said slowly to myself: Ihave lost the race, after all, for they are wailing in the city, andit can be for one thing only, that it is widowed of its King. Aye! Iam too late. And I have killed my horse for nothing, since Death hasarrived before me, after all, having annihilated my competition, bytaking my horse upon the way. And I have reached my journey's end,just in time to hear the wailing, as if Death were jeering at me,saying as it were in irony: They must travel very fast who think tooutstrip me.

  And I went on to the palace, never stopping at the gate to ask what Ialready knew. And they ran to warn my mother, and she came out of thewomen's quarters, and stood looking at me grimly, covered as I waswith dust and perspiration, and almost ready to fall down, for sheerfatigue. And then she said: Fool! thou art too late, and thy brotherhas the throne. And now thou art little better than an outcast, andhast lost thy father, and thy crown, and me.

  And I looked at her, and I said: When did the King d
ie? And she said:Sunset.

  And I uttered a shout of laughter, and threw my hands into the air,and fell at her feet in a swoon.

  XVII

  And when I had recovered, in a day or two, I came, so to say, to termswith my loss and my condition: saying to myself: After all, my fatherhad to die, whether I came to him in time, or not: and I could nothave saved his life, by my coming, no matter when I came. And so, theonly thing I lost, by coming late, is my _raj_. But what do I care forany _raj_, which, in comparison with Tarawali, resembles a mere pinchof dust, thrown into the other scale? Away with the miserable _raj_!as if another sunset with the Queen would not be cheaply purchased atthe price of all the kingdoms in the world! And I passed my days ofabsence in doing absolutely nothing but thinking of Tarawali, andwaiting, with a soul almost unable to endure, till the moment ofreturn. And I sent a secret messenger to Kamalapura, saying to him: Goto the palace gate, and ask the _pratihari_ for a _cheti_ calledChaturika. And when she comes, tell her by word of mouth, so thatnobody may hear thee but herself: Greetings to the Queen fromShatrunjaya, who has lost his throne on her account, and does notcare. And when the obsequies are over, he will return to Kamalapura,on the night before the moon is full.

  And having sent him off, I waited, while the obsequies went slowly on,with a soul that almost parted from its body with impatience for ananswer to my message that might help me to keep alive, saying tomyself: She cannot send Chaturika, as she did before, since it is toofar off for anything but a letter or a message, which will have to doinstead. But neither a letter nor a message ever came: though in themeanwhile, my messenger returned with empty hands. And I tortured himwith questions, but all he had to say was that Chaturika had listened,and bidden him to go away. And notwithstanding my bitterdisappointment, I racked my brain to find excuses for them both,saying: I am a fool. How could I expect any reply, since after all Inever put a question, and silence was the only answer to be given: andbeyond all doubt, she is waiting till I come? And is it likely thatshe would trust a message to a man she did not know? She is keepingher answer to be sent in the form of a summons on the eve of the fullmoon, which was the only answer I was asking for. And yet, in spite ofall that I could think of to cool the fever that burned in my heart, Ichafed and pined, sick with anxiety and disappointment, and longing invain for the thing that never came. And I said sadly to myself: Well,only too well, she knew, that the very shadow of a sign of any kind,from her, would have set my heart dancing like a peacock at the firstsymptom of the coming of the rain. Or can it be, after all, that shereally did send an answer, which has somehow or other lost its way?Aye! no doubt, it must be so, for she is kind, and could not bear tothink of the misery she knew I must be suffering every moment that Iam not by her side.

  And so, perforce, I waited, gnawing at my own heart, until at lastthe funeral ceremonies were over. And instantly, I took leave of mymother, and turned my back on my relations, and set off at a gallopfor Kamalapura, with my heart singing for delight, like an arrow froma bow.

  XVIII

  And I reached it, exactly as I said, on the eve of the full moon. AndI said to myself, with exultation: Ha! to-morrow night, it will befull, and red, and round, exactly as it was a month ago, and shiningas it did before, upon the boat, and Tarawali, and me. And at thethought, I laughed aloud, for sheer joy, and came to my own door, andwent in. And lo! the very first thing that I saw, when I entered, wasmy lute, lying on the floor with a broken string, and looking at me,as it were, with reproach. For a ray of moonlight fell exactly on itas it lay, as though to say: See! the moonlight falls not alone onhappy lovers, but on those that are deserted! And my heart smote me,as I looked at it, and I exclaimed: Alas! my old love, thou art indeeddiscarded for another; for I have not given thee a single thought,ever since I saw her first. Bitter indeed must be the sorrow of onethat is cast, like thyself, aside! And then, I threw myself upon mybed, forgetting instantly my lute and every other thing in the delightof the anticipation of the coming day. And I slept all night, floatingas it were on a dark wave of the ocean of sweet expectation, andsmiling so to say in my sleep.

  And when morning came, I arose, and went to and fro, singing aloud forjoy, and saying to myself: Now the moment of reunion approaches, andthe miserable fever of separation is nearing its end, for the sun hasarisen and is rushing to his home in the western mountain, and hisrace, and my desolation, will finish exactly together. And now,Chaturika is on her way, and will soon be here, looking like the dawnof my delight in a delicious feminine form. And she will look at mewith her laughing eyes, and murmur, Sunset, exactly as before: andexactly as before, I shall kiss her, and send her back to the Queen.And so I waited eagerly, on the very tiptoe of expectation, with myeyes fixed upon the door. But day slowly travelled on, and yet shenever came. And little by little, my delight slowly turned intoperplexity, and anxiety, till at last, as hour succeeded hour, eachlonger than a _yuga_, my heart began to sink, lower and lower still,and I became actually sick with the agony of my disappointment. Forthe sun was indeed rushing down into the night, and yet she nevercame. And time after time, I went to the door, and opened it, andlooked out, but no Chaturika was there, and nothing was to be seen butthe people in the street.

  And when at last night actually fell, and found me still waiting, Icould endure no longer, but I threw myself upon my bed, and lay in astupor in the dark, abandoning all hope, and on the very verge ofcrying like a child. And I said to myself: Is she ill, or is she dead,or has she gone away, or what on earth can be the matter? Or can itbe, after all, that my messenger played me false, and never went? Forif she really got my message, long ago she would surely have sentChaturika to summon me, knowing that it was impossible for me to comeof my own accord, and that I should be sitting waiting with my hearton fire for her summons to arrive. And so I lay, tossing all nightlong sleepless on my bed, and cursing the moon, which poured as if tomock me a silver flood of light upon the floor, seeming to say: Thinkwhat a night it must be in the garden! until in an agony ofreminiscence and humiliation, I turned my back to it, and lay with myface to the wall. And when at last day returned, I arose and sat, indeep dejection, worn out, and at my wits' very end, never even daringto look towards the door, which remained obstinately shut. And all daylong I sat still in a kind of dream, neither eating nor drinking, andhopelessly waiting still. And at last once more the sun went down,after a day that was longer than a year, leaving me lying in the dark.

  And I know not how I got through the night, which I shudder even toremember; but when morning came, I was within a very little of beingmad. And burning with fever, hot and cold by turns, for sheerimpotence I got up and went out, and wandered up and down the streets,till at last for weariness I was obliged to return, though the thoughtof my deserted house was almost more horrible than death. And all atonce, I looked up, and lo! there was Chaturika herself, coming towardsme in the street.

  XIX

  And at the sight of her, my heart leaped into my mouth, for sheresembled the very last link that joined me to the Queen, in afeminine form. But at the very moment that I saw her, she saw me also;and she turned away, pretending not to see me, and went round thecorner into another street. And instantly, I leaped after her like adeer, and caught her, almost running to escape me. And then, seeingthat there was absolutely no help for it, she stopped, and stoodlooking at me with defiance, like an animal at bay.

  And presently I said: Dost thou not know me, that thou runnest so fastto get away? And she said: I never saw thee: I was only in a hurry.And I said: Now, from bad, it is worse; thou art lying. And why,instead of running away, art thou not rather hastening to meet me?Hast thou no message for me from the Queen? And she said: No: none.And I exclaimed: What! none? Did not my message come to thee? And shesaid, reluctantly: It came. Then I said: Then the Queen must know thatI am here. And why has she never sent? And Chaturika said: Is it forme to give orders to the Queen? How can I know why she does not wantthy presence? If she did, she would send. I am not the mistress, buton
ly the maid: is Chaturika the equal of Tarawali?

  And as she spoke, the tears rose into my eyes, for I remembered thewords of Tarawali, as she stood up in the boat. And I took her by thehand, and looked into her eyes. And I said slowly: Thou knowest onlytoo well, for if thou art not her equal, thou art at least herfamiliar. And now, then, cheat me not: since the matter is to me oneof life or death. Am I thy enemy, or art thou mine? Was it not onlythe other day that thou didst kiss me of thy own accord, as I havesat, these last two days, hoping against hope for thee to come and doagain? And what have I done, to bring about such change? I liked theebetter, far better, laughing: thou wert so joyous, and so pretty, andlike the ecstasy in my own heart, in a woman's form. Aye! as I lookedat thee, it made my heart echo, to hear thee laugh, since we were bothof us devotees of one and the same deity, Tarawali, thy Queen andmine. And now, something has come about, I know not how, to spoil itall.

  And as I spoke, all unconsciously I gripped the hand that I held ofhers in mine, and it may be, that my hand whispered to her own what myvoice alone strove in vain to say. For as I gazed at her in anguish,with tears in my eyes, strange! all at once I saw her face change, andher lip quiver, and tears stealing, as if against her will, into hereyes too. And she tried to laugh, without succeeding: and all at once,she squeezed my hand that held her own, with force. And she said, in avoice that trembled as it spoke, half laughing and half weeping:Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when she turns away. Andsuddenly she snatched her hand away from mine, and turned as if togo.

  And I took her by the shoulder as she stood with her face averted, andI said: See, Chaturika, my life is in thy hands. Come, do me this lastfavour, and I will never trouble thee any more. Wilt thou go straightto the Queen, and say I met thee in the street, and somehow or other,by hook or crook, contrive, that she shall send for me again, and verysoon, for otherwise I cannot live much longer? Wilt thou? Wilt thou?And she hung her head, and said in a voice so low that I could hardlyhear it: I will try. And I said: Go then, for I will delay thee nolonger. And yet, listen! Come to me often, as thou art passing by, forthe very sight of thee is life.

  And without speaking, she rolled her head up in her veil, and wentaway very quickly. And I stood, looking after her as she went: sayingto myself: There goes my last hope. And lucky for me it was that Icaught her: for without her, I would by this have driven my own swordhome into my heart.

  XX

  And I went home feeling like a man saved from the very mouth of death,saying to myself: Now then, happen what will! for at least I havesecured the key of the door leading to Tarawali, in the form of hermaid. And now, it may be, I shall see her very soon. For beyond adoubt, there has been some blunder, or perhaps she was occupied withbusiness of moment, that left her no leisure for affairs like mine.And all my fears may have been in vain. And at least, I can wait withhope, and not as I did before, in horrible despair, cut off from everymeans of communication. And I sat with a heart almost at peace,prepared to wait till the coming of Chaturika on the following day.But it turned out contrary to my expectation. For I had been waitingfor little more than a single hour, when there came a knock at thedoor. And when I opened, there stood Chaturika again. And she saidrapidly: The Queen will await thee in the garden to-night at sunset.

  And I exclaimed, with a shout of joy: Ha! sunset! It is as I thought.Well I knew there was some mistake, and that she could not fail. Andbeyond a doubt, she had forgotten the time, remembering only whenreminded by thee. Victory to thee, O Chaturika! for to thee alone Iowe the sunset, and now I will give thee for it almost anything thoucanst ask. And Chaturika said: Give me nothing. And she stood insilence, looking at me with strange eyes, in which, as it seemed, pityand curiosity seemed to be mingled with compunction and some elementthat I could not understand. And suddenly she came to me, and laid herhand upon my arm. And she whispered very quickly, as if she was halfafraid of what she said: Do not go. And then, she turned and vanishedfrom the room, as if to escape before I had time to ask forexplanation.

  And I said to myself, looking after her in wonder: What! do not go? Sothen, as it seems, there will be danger. But little does she know me,if she thinks that any danger would keep me from the Queen. Andindeed, in the garden there is room for any number of assassins, ifNarasinha or anybody else were jealous of my visiting Tarawali.Danger! And I laughed in derision, that was mixed with intoxication,as if the very notion of danger from a rival added, somehow or other,to the sweetness of anticipation, by stamping me as a claimant to theaffection of Tarawali who was greatly to be feared. And all at once,light broke in, as it were, upon my soul. And I cried out in ecstasy:Danger! Ha! at last, all the mystery is solved. It was danger thatprevented my Tarawali from sending me any message or bidding me tocome. And all the while she knew it, and she had to be very careful,fearing for my life. And suddenly, I struck my hands together, and Icried: Ha! what a fool I am! Why, she told me so herself, when I sawher for the second time, and yet I had forgotten it. And all thiswhile, in the peevishness of my own oblivion and presumption, I havebeen blaming her, expecting things utterly unreasonable, and loadingher extraordinary sweetness with miserable suspicions arising from myown imagination, and the blindness of my insatiable passion. Ah!Tarawali, forgive me if I wronged thee! But I will make it up to theeto-night, and beg for thy divine forgiveness at thy feet. And all thishesitation was all the while only on my account: and yet, brute that Iwas! I never guessed it, till Chaturika gave me, as it were, a hint,and put me upon the scent. And what else was her delay but anirrefutable proof of her affection, showing that she chose even toallow herself to be misinterpreted rather than let me run on heraccount into the danger that she knew.

  And instantly, all the clouds of darkness and desolation rolled awayin a body from my soul, leaving it bathing in the ruddy glow ofsunset, and passion, and emotion, exactly as it was before. And Iwaited, plunged in the ecstasy of reminiscence and anticipation, tillat last the sun began to sink. And then, once more I went, on feetdancing with agitation and delight, to the palace gates, and saw the_pratihari_ standing waiting as before. And as I entered, neverdoubting that she had instructions of my coming, she barred the way,saying: What is thy business? And I said: I have come by appointmentto see the Queen. Then said the _pratihari_: Thou must come anothertime, for the Queen is not here.

  And I stopped short, as if she had suddenly run a dagger into myheart. And I said in a low voice: Not here? It cannot be. Thou artmistaken. And the _pratihari_ said: There is no mistake at all. She isgone. And I said: Gone? Where? When? And she said: She went withinthis hour, to visit her maternal uncle; for want, as I think, ofsomething better to do. And when she will return, I cannot say.

  And then, my heart stopped. And I stood for a single instant, erect,and I turned, as if to go away. And all at once, there came from thevery middle of my heart, a cry, that tore me as it were to pieces,and I fell in the street like a dead man.

  XXI

  And when I came back to myself, I looked, and saw an old man with along white beard gazing at me with anxiety, sitting by my bed in whichI was lying, having been brought home I know not how as I lay in aswoon. And when he saw me look at him, he began to rub his handstogether, with a little laugh. And he said: Ha! then, as it seems,after all, thy soul has returned at last: and it was time. For it hadbeen away so long that I was beginning to doubt whether it had notsaid good-bye to thy body, for good and all. And now it has come backafter all, by the favour of Ganapati, and the help of the Ayurweda,and one of Dhanwantari's[30] most unworthy devotees. And I saidslowly: How long have I been dead? Then said that old physician: It isnow nearly sunset again, and thou hast lain there without moving eversince they brought thee here from the street, about the time ofsunset, yesterday. And now what is it, that has struck thee down, asif by a thunderbolt? For how can the physician cure, unless thepatient tells him of his case?

  And I closed my eyes for a while, as if to rest: and after a while Isaid: O father, there is nothing to tell, to one of thy
experience andskill: for since childhood, it happens to me, every now and then, tofall down and lie in a trance: and when once I come back, all is over,and I go on as before, till next time. And now there is nothing to bedone, but for me to reward thee for thy care, to which I owe my life.And though it is a thing of little or no worth, I will count it, forthy sake, as if it were a thing of price. And I gave that old mangold, and sent him away delighted, for all I wanted was to be rid ofhim as quickly as I could, lest I should fall into a fever and beginto rave, and betray my secret against my will.

  And then, for many days, I lay, living very slowly, like one in a longdream, drinking water, and eating almost nothing, and going over in mymind every detail of my life since first I saw the Queen. And itseemed to me, as I mused, as if I had died long ago; and everythingappeared to me like something that had happened long ago, to someother than myself. And day very slowly followed day, and life cameback to me as it were with hesitating steps, as though it knew that itwas coming to one that scarcely cared to bid it welcome. And then atlast there came a day when I looked about with curiosity to see whatmight be seen, and lo! there in a corner lay my lute upon the floor.

  So, after a while, I said: Lute, canst thou tell me, how it feels tobe discarded? And I went and took it up, and strung it, and began toplay. And as fate would have it, there came over the strings as Itouched them a sadness like my own, that seemed to say: Come, we arefellow-sufferers, and now let us weep together, since there isabsolutely nothing else to do. And suddenly, the lute fell from myhands of its own accord, and I fell with it upon the floor. And Iwept, as if my very soul was about to abandon my body, for sheerdespair. And as I wept, I came slowly back to the self I was before;yet so, that the half of me was left behind, and lost for ever. And Isaid to myself: I have been robbed by Tarawali of all that was worthanything in my soul, and it only remains to consider, what is the nextthing to be done.

  And that very evening, I went out of my house for the first time sinceI fell down. And avoiding the streets, I wandered along by bypaths,till I reached the river bank. And I hid myself in the bushes, and laywatching the sun go down across the river, and thinking of Tarawaliand her pool, till unawares I went to sleep. And how long I slept Iknow not, but I woke suddenly in the night, roused by the voices oftwo that were talking close beside me, not knowing there was anyoneby, to overhear. And as I listened carelessly without curiosity, allat once there fell on my ear the name of Narasinha.

  And instantly, I crawled, like a panther, little by little, nearer tothose two talkers, until I could easily hear everything they said. Andone was saying to the other: It will be very easy, and the reward isvery large. Then the other said: But why does Narasinha want to havehim slain at all? And the first voice answered: What a question!Anyone can see that thou art a stranger to this city. Dost thou notknow that he is the lover of the Queen, aye! and so, that she is morethan his life? And yet, for all that, he cannot keep her to himself,since she is not only a Queen, and above all his controlling, but alsoa lady of many lovers, roaming like a bee, from flower to flower, asshe will, and yet leaving each in the lurch almost as soon as it istasted, being as unsteady as the flame of a lamp in the wind, and asdeep and as crooked as a river, amusing herself as if she were afemale _trinamani_[31] by watching the irresistible effect of her ownattraction on the straws that she finds and throws away, as soon asshe has tested them, regardless of what afterwards becomes of them,since they are then absolutely useless, resembling mere husks, whosekernel she has eaten. And if he could bear to do without her,Narasinha would slay her out of jealousy with his own hands: but as itis, he cannot, however much she laughs in his face. And so he repayshimself by wreaking his vengeance on her lovers, in lieu of herself:and one by one, they all pay the penalty of their presumption, inhaving anything to do with her, with their lives: giving him hard workto do, since she finds and casts off a new lover almost every day. Andof all, the only one that has escaped is Shatrunjaya, the mad player,who lost his reason altogether when he found himself cast adriftwithout knowing why: and was accordingly passed over by Narasinha, asnot even needing to be killed, since he was as good as dead already,and beyond the reach of revenge.

  And the second voice said: What a fool must this Shatrunjaya havebeen, to go mad, over such an _abhisarika_ as this Queen! Then saidthe first with emphasis: Thou art thyself the fool, speaking at randomwithout ever having seen her: for she is a very Shri, laughing all theother women to utter scorn; and small wonder that he fell a victim tosuch a spell, being as he is very young. And moreover, she is thecleverest woman in the three worlds, and easily persuades every loverthat she is doing as he wishes to oblige him, and not as is really thecase making him a puppet of her own. And not one of them all ever evenknows of the existence of any other lover than himself. AndShatrunjaya is all the more to be excused, because she really took amomentary fancy to him, and cloyed him for a day or two with nectarthat soon turned poison, as Chaturika says.

  And the second voice said: Who is Chaturika? And the first replied:She is the niece of my cousin on the mother's side, and she tells meall. And Tarawali took her for a confidential _cheti_ on account ofher cleverness and beauty: as well she might, since the little jade isvery pretty, and clever enough to be prime minister to any king. Andbetween the two of them, who are more than a match for any man thatever lived, Shatrunjaya had no chance at all. Little did he knowTarawali, thinking to keep her beauty to himself, or confine theocean of her charms to a tank! Poor fool! what a trick they playedhim! For Chaturika says, that Tarawali gave another lover the very_rendezvous_ she fixed for him, bidding her _pratihari_ say she wasgone. Well he might go mad, for as I think, any other man might losehis reason, to be kept standing outside the door, while his mistresswas kissing another man!

  And he laughed out loud, as he ended: but I rose up from the ground,drawing my _kattari_ from its sheath. And I leaped out of the bushessuddenly upon those two laughers, who took me for a ghost in the formof the god of death. And I struck at one with the knife, and as luckwould have it, I all but severed his head from his body at a singlesweep. And I turned upon the other as he stood terror-stricken,staring at me with open mouth, and I said: Thy jest was very good, butmine is better still. I am Shatrunjaya, and not mad after all: butthou shalt not tell my secret to Narasinha; whom I will send afterthee in good time. And I struck the knife into his eye, so hard, thatI could scarcely pull it out again by putting my foot upon his head.

  And I left them lying, and went home quickly, laughing to myself, andsaying: Now they are paid beforehand, with their work still to do, incoin very different from that of Narasinha. And his own turn willcome, by and by. And I wonder whose life I have saved, for I nevercaught his name. But no matter: I have learned, what is left for me todo: and it only remains to determine on the way. Alas! Narasinha, thystar is beginning to decline. Thou hast just lost thy assassins, andpresently I will deprive thee of Tarawali, and last, I will rob theeof thy life.

  XXII

  And then, day by day, I rose early in the morning, and ate thebreakfast of a bull-elephant, and went out into the streets, hunting,not for a forest beast, but for a human quarry. And I roamed up anddown through the city all day long, examining everything I met thathad the shape of a woman with the eye of a hunting leopard. And so Icontinued, day after day, without success. And then at last, on thenight of the Dipawali, when the streets were full of people, suddenlyI saw her coming straight towards me. But she never saw me, by reasonof the crowd: and the prey is not thinking of the hunter, when thehunter is thinking of the prey. And I hid myself in a doorway, and lether pass by; and I followed her with stealthy steps until at last sheturned away into a narrow lane that resembled the jaws of death. And Icaught her up with silent tread, and all at once I took her by thewrist as she went, with a grip like an iron band.

  And she turned and saw me, and she started, and uttered a faint cry.And instantly I said: Cry out, even once, and I will sever thy headfrom its body. Make absolutely no noise, and I wil
l do thee absolutelyno harm. But come with me, for I need thee for a little while. I havebeen at pains to find thee, and now I will not let thee go. But unlessthou dost exactly as I tell thee, I will treat thee as I did thyaccomplice on the river bank, a little while ago. And she turned alittle paler as she listened, understanding that I did not speak injest. And I said: Go on before me, in silence, to my house, for wellthou art acquainted with the way. And I will follow, just behind, andif thou makest, as thou goest, so much as a sign, thy head will rollfrom its shoulders on the instant. And she bowed her head, and went.And when we reached the door, I opened it and we went in. And I shutthe door, and there was no other light than the moonlight, which fellin a flood upon the floor. And I said: Sit there in the moonlight, forI have something to say to thee. And she sat upon the floor, watchingme with fascination like a bird before a snake.

  And I walked to and fro before her, and suddenly I stopped, and Isaid: Tell me, O Chaturika, what would the Queen say, if I told her ofthy habit of babbling to thy relations of her secrets? And for answer,Chaturika began to sob, grovelling upon the floor at my feet. And Isaid: Sit still, thou little fool, and listen: for thou shalt earn myforgiveness by doing as I bid thee: and if not, I will save the Queentrouble by becoming thy executioner myself. To-morrow night, I mustsee her in the garden as before: and it can only be by thycontrivance. And now, how is it to be done?

  And Chaturika said, weeping: To-morrow night it cannot be, since shehas given that evening to another. And moreover, for thee every nightis equally impossible, for she will not see thee any more. And howcanst thou pass the _pratihari_, or enter by the door, without herpermission? And now between the Queen and thee, I am in the jaws ofdeath. For thou wilt slay me, if I do not find thee entrance into thegarden: and she will, if I do.

  And I looked at her with scrutiny and I said: I will help thee out ofjeopardy. There must be another entrance to the garden. Is there noother door? And she said unwillingly: There is, but none can enterfrom without, unless he has the key, which the Queen trusts to nocustody but her own.

  And I said: Then the way is found, luckily for thee: and thou artsaved, since none will ever guess thy part in the arranging for myentry, if as I imagine thou art only sufficiently adroit to procurefor me a key without her knowledge. And that I leave to thee, only becareful to bring it in good time, before to-morrow evening. And in themeanwhile, go and tell that other lover that the Queen has changed hermind: and put him off to any other day, it does not matter which,seeing that it will never come at all: since for the future, I amgoing to be the only lover of the Queen.

  And then, Chaturika looked at me in such amazement that it deprivedher for an instant of her terror, and suddenly she began to laugh. AndI stooped and lifted her, and whirled her in the air, and stood herbreathless on her feet. And I took her two hands and held them tight,and I said: Dost thou feel what thou art in hands like mine, afeather, and a nothing, and a straw? Now listen and be wise. Stand outof the way, between the Queen and me, for we shall crush thee, and thebattle is one that I mean to win. And now I am going to show hersomething that she never saw before, the strength of a man: for awoman presumes, forgetting altogether that she owes all to theforbearance of one who can sweep her away if he chooses, like a wildelephant snapping a twig. And if anything goes amiss by any treacheryof thine, I will break thee in pieces with my bare hands, hide wherethou wilt, making it unnecessary even to betray thee to the Queen. Andnow, what have I ordered thee to do?

  And Chaturika said humbly, quivering like a wild heifer that issuddenly tamed by the sound of a tiger's roar: To put off a lover andbring thee a key.

  And I said: Thou hast still forgotten the thing without which both areuseless, and that is, to show me the outside of the door to be openedby the key. And that thou shalt do at once. Go out now, and walkwithout stopping straight to the door: and I will follow in thy steps.And do not look back, until thou art standing just beside it, and thenturn for a single instant, and meet my eye without a sign. And thenbegone where thou wilt until to-morrow.

  And I opened the door and let her out, and she went away very quickly,leading me through the city and past the palace gates, and a long wayround the palace wall, until at last she suddenly came to a dead stop,beside a little door in the wall, that stood exactly opposite a ruinedtemple of the great god. And there she turned and looked at me, andthen continued on her way until she disappeared. And I stood andwatched her go, saying to myself: I think she will bring me the keyto-morrow, without dreaming of betraying me: for I scared her almostto death, and she is frightened. And I was very sorry for her, and yetit was the only thing to do, for there was no other means of reducingher to absolute submission. And yet she was beautiful to look at, evenso, resembling as she did a feminine incarnation of audacity suddenlychanged into unconditional obedience by standing between two appallingdangers, and only doubting which was the most to be feared. And verystrange is the difference fixed by the Creator between a woman and aman: since the very timidity that makes him utterly contemptible onlymakes her even more beautifully delicious than she was before.

  XXIII

  And next day, I waited all the morning for Chaturika to come, and noonarrived without her coming. And I said to myself as I sat waiting: Shewill come by and by, and I cannot expect her very early, for she mayhave many other things to do as well as mine. And it may be no easytask that I have given her to do. And now, what am I to say toTarawali, when I come upon her in the garden, and see her, O ecstasy!again? And strange! at the very thought of seeing her again, my heartbegan to burn, as if turning traitor to my own determination. And Isaid sadly to myself: Alas! I am afraid, or rather I am sure, that thevery sight of her will be like a flood, in which every fragment of myresentment against her for treating me as she has done, and every atomof my resolution, and every recollection of all that I have heard toher discredit, will be swept away like chips and straws. Do what shemay, I cannot drive my affection for her out of my heart, whichobstinately clings to her image, utterly refusing to be torn away. Andnotwithstanding all that those two rascals said in her disparagement,my soul laughs them to utter scorn, telling them they lie. And whoknows? For who could believe that a body so unutterably lovely couldharbour a soul so unutterably base as they said, on evidence such astheirs? Aye! my recollection of her soul is an argument in her favourthat nothing that they said can overcome, and I could forgive herabsolutely anything, when I think of the gentle sweetness that echoedin her every word, resembling a perfume somehow mixed with her voice.And yet if my resolution wavers, even now, how will it be when sheactually stands before me as she will to-night? And yet, how is itpossible to absolve her for her inexplicable behaviour to me?

  And so as I mused, touching all unconsciously the strings of my lutewhich was lying in my hands suddenly a thought came into my mind ofits own accord. And I took the lute and unstrung it, and chose fromamong its strings one, which I rolled like a bangle on my wrist. And Isaid to the lute aloud: Old love, we will work together: for if indeedshe is my enemy, she is thine as well. And if, as those assassinssaid, she is only a body without a soul, playing on us both merely forher own amusement, then we will give her together a music lesson of anovel kind, and teach her that the deadliest of all poisons is a lovethat has been betrayed.

  And suddenly I heard loud laughter, like an echo to my words. And Ilooked up, and lo! there was Haridasa, standing in the open door. Andhe said: What is this, O Shatrunjaya? Whom art thou about to poison,or who is going to poison thee? And hast thou solved thy problem,since I saw thee from the camel's back, pondering on thy own beauty?Or hast thou arrived already at the poison in the bottom of love'scup? How is good advice thrown away upon a fool! Did I not warn thee?Wilt thou never understand that the nectar of a woman is like the redof dusk, lasting for but an instant, and like the cream of milk,turning sour if it is kept, and like foam of the sea, which existsonly during agitation, melting away into bitterness and ordinary wateras soon as it is still? As indeed every woman well knows
, withoutneeding to be told, and therefore it is that she is nectar always to astranger, and insipid, even when she is not very disagreeable, to herfriends, losing her fascination, like the thirst of the antelope[32]on Marusthali, for all that approach her too near: since all herdelusion depends upon her distance, and vanishes altogether byproximity. Keep her always at a distance, O Shatrunjaya, if thou artanxious to remain under the spell.

  And I said: Haridasa, I am only a fool, as thou sayest, but thou artwise. And now, wilt thou serve me at a pinch, by something more thangood advice? And he said: By what? Then I said: To-night, I havebusiness that I cannot avoid, and yet I cannot go out, unless I canfind one whom I can absolutely trust to remain here till morning in myplace, to guard a deposit. And so, wilt thou be my guard? And Haridasasaid: I cannot refuse, if thy need be extreme. For men to beabsolutely trusted are very rare, and I am one. And is thy depositlarge? And I laughed, and I said: Nay, on the contrary, it is verysmall. And it will be here in another moment, for I have been waitingfor it all day long. And as I spoke, lo! Chaturika appeared in thedoor, as if by a toss of the curtain,[33] And I said to Haridasa: Hereit is.

  And seeing that I was not alone, Chaturika turned, as if to go away.And I called out to her, saying: Wait but for a single instant, O thoudestitute of patience, and give me back my key that I gave thee lastnight, since I am in sore need of it. And then she came to me insilence and gave me a key. And I said: Hast thou put off thepetitioner as I desired, to another day? And she said: Yes. And then Iwent to the door, and shut it. And I said to Haridasa: I have anappointment, with one who may be friend or foe, for I cannot tell. Buthere is a hostage, that I leave behind me. Keep her for me, and nevertake thy eyes off her, and give her back to me, safe and sound, on myreturn. But if the sun rises to-morrow, and I am not here, cut herhead off, for she will have led me into a trap, all unaware that shewas setting it for herself as well.

  And Haridasa looked thoughtfully at Chaturika as she stood aghast,rubbing his chin with his hand. And he said slowly: It would be agreat pity, my pretty maiden, if he came late, for thy head looks verywell as it is on thy little body, which without it would look asmelancholy as a palm broken short off by the wind.[34] And yet, do notweep. For Shatrunjaya is a bad judge of men and women, and I am a verygood one. And if, as I think, he is altogether wronging thee by hissuspicion, thou hast absolutely nothing to fear from me, and I will bethy father and thy mother till he returns to free thee in the morning.So dry thy tears, and I will return to thee in a moment to make theelaugh.

  And he led me away out at the door, and shut it behind him. And hesaid: Shall I tell thee the name of thy very pretty deposit? Dost thouthink I do not know what thou art endeavouring so clumsily to hide?Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when she turns away?

  And as I started, staring at him in stupefaction, he said with alaugh: Ha! thou hast heard it before? Didst thou not betray to me thysecret unawares, repeating it before? What! dost thou not know, it isthe Queen's verse, which all the people in the city sing of every manwho dooms himself by becoming the Queen's lover? I could have toldthee, even without seeing Chaturika at all, that it was Tarawaliherself who was thy nectar, and is going to be thy poison; and well Iunderstand who is the friend or foe to whom thou art just about to go.It is the Queen.

  And he took me by both hands, and looked straight into my eyes. And hesaid: Fool! and art thou actually hoping still for the nectar that isgone? Thy hope will be in vain. I told thee, without naming her, tohold her very cheap, if ever thou wouldst have her hold thee dear. Itwas useless to restrain thee, for thou wouldst not have believed me,no matter what I said. There was but a single chance. For the momentthat she sees that her fascination works, and that her lover liesgazing without reason or senses at her terrible beauty, she issatisfied, and throws him away: whereas had he only the strength toresist it, she might against her will fall in love with him herselffor sheer exasperation at her impotence, in his case alone. But sheswept thee clean away like a straw in a flood, and thou art lost. Thouhast been playing unaware with a queen-cobra, that has smitten thysoul with the poisonous fascination of its magnificent hood and itsdeadly eyes, and bitten thy heart with its venomed fang; and now allremedies are worse than useless, and come too late. I can see deathwritten on thy brow, and almost smell its odour in the air. Beware ofNarasinha!

  And he went in, and shut the door upon himself and Chaturika, leavingme alone in the street.

  XXIV

  And I stood in the street, staring at the door as it shut behind him,as motionless as a tree. And I murmured to myself: Nectar when sheturns towards thee: poison when she turns away! So then, it is theQueen's verse, sung of others and sung of me! And this was the meaningall the time! And this is what Chaturika was thinking of, every timeshe said it, laughing at me in her sleeve, as beyond a doubt she haslaughed at many another man before! And this is what the people say!And all the time I thought myself exceptional, I was only being made afool, and one of a large number, and a laughing-stock for the wholecity, and branded, as it were, with ridicule and ignominy as aplaything of the Queen, and going about unconsciously with her labelround my neck: Nectar when she turns towards thee: poison when sheturns away!

  And suddenly, rage rushed into my heart in such a flood that it feltas if it were about to burst. And from motionless that I was, I beganall at once to run in the direction of the palace, as though about towreak my vengeance on the Queen without waiting for a single instant.And then I stopped abruptly and began to laugh. And I exclaimed: Am Iactually going mad, for as yet it is still day, and I cannot even getinto the garden till the sun has set. And after thinking for a moment,I went away to the river bank to wait till the sun was down. And thereI threw myself down at full length upon the ground, with my chin uponmy hands.

  And then, strange! as I lay, little by little my heart began to cool,and all its fury ebbed gradually away. For as I thought of Tarawali,it seemed as it were to say to me: I cannot find room, on secondthoughts, for any rage at all, since I belong absolutely to the Queen.And all my rage turned slowly into such unutterable longing that herimage seemed to grow dim, seen through the mist of eyes that weresuffused with tears, as recollection brought her back to me saying:This is how she looked when she saw thee first, and this again, is howshe lay in the swing, and this again, when she stood up before thee,as a _cheti_, in the moonlit boat. And I exclaimed in desperation:Alas! O Tarawali, must I then condemn thee, whether I will or no? Forthey all say the same of thee, and as it might seem, it must be true,and yet no matter, for I absolutely cannot either hate thee orbelieve them, when I think of thee as I saw thee myself. And my heartlaughs in scorn at all the efforts of my reason, never wavering for aninstant from thy side, like an incorruptible ally, that cannot beinduced by any bribe whatever to abandon its allegiance. Aye! wouldshe but open her arms to me again, I should forget everything else inthe three worlds, to snatch her in my own. How is it possible to hateher? And beyond all doubt, that rascal I slew hit the mark, when hesaid that Narasinha cannot quarrel with her, being utterly unable todo without her, disarmed in all his attempts to oppose her by his ownconviction that she is absolutely indispensable to his own life. Forshe may have deserved ten thousand deaths, and yet what does itmatter, if for all that she is a thing that once lost or destroyed cannever be replaced, as indeed she is, resembling the _Kaustubha_,[35]or the third eye of the Moony-crested god, of which in the threeworlds there is only one. And so since he cannot do without her, sheis beyond all reach, and invulnerable, doing with impunity exactlywhat she pleases, caring nothing whether he loves or hates her, andlaughing at the very notion of being brought to book, secure in themagic circle of her own irresistible attraction, whose very power ofdestroying all others is her own protection, like a spell with adouble edge, such that, as that rascal said, she cannot refrain fromamusing herself by trying its effect on all.

  And who could find it in his heart to blame her for delighting in theexercise of her own spell, like a child rejoicing in
its toy, aye!even were he himself its victim, as its effect would be the same, nomatter what she did, seeing that she must attract whether she will orno? Being what she is, she cannot help it: it is involuntary andbeyond her control. And alas! I fell before it without a shadow ofresistance, enslaved even before I saw it by her own dream, not evenaffording her the pleasure of watching her fascination graduallyovercoming opposition, and asserting its power, and subduing me to herdomination, against my will. And so I became a thing of no value toher at all, since in my case there was nothing to overcome. Ah! had Ionly been capable of seeming to be one on whom her charm would notwork, then indeed, as Haridasa says, I might have prevailed: and shemight herself have fallen victim to the man who defied her fascinationand laughed in her face, out of pique and irritation at her ownimpotence. And all the more, if what that rascal said have any truth,that she actually took a momentary fancy to me, strange as it seems.But alas! as he said, it is all too late.

  And suddenly I started to my feet with a beating heart. And Iexclaimed: Too late! But what if it were not too late, after all?

  And as I stood, thinking of it, struck into sudden agitation by my ownidea, hope glimmered in the darkness of my soul like the first faintstreak of rosy dawn at the end of a black night. And the dream of thebare possibility of bringing back Tarawali with all her oldintoxicating sweetness almost took away my breath. And after a while,I said to myself: Yes, indeed, he actually said, that she took a fancyto me, even though it were only for a moment. And how could he haveknown it, if she had not herself confessed it to Chaturika, from whomalone he could have heard it, since very certainly he never learned itfrom Tarawali herself? Aye! and was not Chaturika herself far sweeterat the beginning, just as if she knew I was no ordinary lover, but onewith a little foothold in the Queen's heart? And if, then, I was everthere, why could I not return? And if her fancy has gone to sleep,could I not awake it? Can it be already so absolutely dead as never torevive, with not a single spark among the ashes to be refanned into aflame? How would it be, could I but manage to persuade her she wasutterly mistaken, in supposing that I was only a miserable victim ofher spell? How, if I could convince her that I valued all herfascinations at a straw? Would she not at least be tempted to try themall on me again, if only to test them and discover whether I was lyingor in very truth proof against all the power of her charm? And if onlyshe did, what then? For once she began, it would all depend on me,whether she ever stopped any more.

  And all at once, I uttered a shout of hope and exultation andexcitement, suddenly taking fire at the picture painted by my owncraving imagination. And I exclaimed: Ha! who knows? And at least, Ican try. And even if I fail, it cannot possibly be worse than it isalready, drowned as I am in misery without her: whereas, if I couldsucceed! Ah! I would barter even emancipation for a single kiss! And Othat my courage may not fail, turning coward at the very first sightof her again! For the struggle to appear indifferent, in such an oceanof rapture, will be terrible indeed, since even now, the very thoughtof it makes me tremble, being enough to make me fall weeping at herfeet. And now the sun is setting, and it is time to go: and in a verylittle while, fate will decide, whether she and I are to die or live.For I cannot live without her, and unless she will allow me to livewith her, she shall not live at all, either alone, or with anybodyelse. For she will kill me, by driving me away, and I will take herwith me, if I am to die.

  XXV

  And then I went away with rapid steps, all through the city, till Ireached the little ruined temple, that stood exactly opposite the doorthat Chaturika had shown me the night before. And I hid myself behindthe image of the Moony-crested god, and watching my opportunity thatnone should see me, all at once I crossed the street and tried the keyin the door, almost shaking with anxiety, lest after all she hadplayed me false, by giving me at haphazard some key that would notfit. But O joy! the key turned, and the door opened, and I wentthrough. And very carefully I closed it again, and then, first ofall, I hid the key in a hole in the wall, making sure of my return.And then I drew a deep sigh, almost unable to believe myself once morein that garden which held Tarawali hidden somewhere in its darkrecesses. And I said to myself, with emotion: Ah! now, come what may,at least I shall look upon her again, and very soon. And even for thatalone, I am ready to die. And it may very well be that death is closeat hand. For if Chaturika is in the pay of Narasinha, as she very wellmay be, and has betrayed me, I may be walking straight into a trap.For his assassins may be posted in the trees in almost any number. Andlittle should I care to die, so long as they only slew me on myreturn; but I am terribly afraid of being slain before I see her. Forthen indeed I should suffer the agony of a double death.

  And I went on slowly in the shadow of the trees, guessing mydirection, for I was going by a way I did not know, fearing not at allthe death that might suddenly spring out upon me, but dreading farmore than death the possibility of its anticipating my discovery ofthe Queen. And little by little, as nothing happened, I forgot myfears, saying to myself: To-morrow I will give Chaturika anything inthe world, and beg her pardon for suspecting her of breaking faith.But in the meantime, I must above all manage to come upon Tarawaliunawares, and escape her observation until I catch sight of hermyself: for if she saw me first, she might hide, or even go awayaltogether, leaving me to look for her in vain, and making allassassination superfluous, since if I do not find her I shall simplydie of my own accord, long before morning, of disappointment anddespair. And so I went on very slowly, making absolutely no noise,like a Shabara stalking a wild elephant in the forest, dying ofexpectation, and yet not daring to make haste, for fear of losing all:until at last, after a very long time, I came to the terrace by thepool once more. And then I looked, and suddenly I caught sight of her,standing alone, like a pillar, on the very verge of the terrace steps.

  And I stopped short in the shadow of a tree, to watch her for a littleand master my emotion, holding my breath, and lost, not only in theecstasy of being close to her again, but in sheer admiration of thewonder that I saw. For she was dressed as it seemed all in silvergauze, looking ashy pale in the moonlight, and she was standingabsolutely straight up, with her two hands clasped behind her head,turning half towards me, so that I could just see her dark hairbetween her two bent arms, lit up not by a star, but a diadem like ayoung moon, that shone all yellow as if made by a row of topaz suns,so that she looked like a feminine incarnation of the Moony-crestedgod, smeared with silver sheen instead of ashes. And as she stoodstill with her two feet close together, gazing at the pool, with herhead leaning a little back against the pillow of her hands, alone inthe very middle of the terrace on the very edge of its top step, withnothing but the dusk for her background, resembling a great jar, hersolitary silent figure, rising from its narrow base into lustrousmoonlit curves that ended in the tall bosses of her breast, spreadwide by her opened arms, stood out in a vision of exact and perfectbalance, so marvellously lovely, that as I gazed at it, rememberinghow I held it in my arms, unable to contain my agitation, I uttered adeep sigh.

  And instantly, she spoiled the picture, by changing her position, andlooking straight towards me. And not being able to see me clearly byreason of the deep shadow that obscured me, she came back along theterrace in my direction, walking exactly as she did before, with thesame intoxicating straightness of carriage, and the same rapid andundulating step, till I could have laughed aloud for very joy to seeher coming to me, like the desire of my own heart incarnate in herround and graceful form. And as she reached me, she said, with exactlythe same low and sweet and gentle voice that I was yearning with allmy soul to hear again: Thou art late, for I have been waiting for theea long time.

  And suddenly I came as it were to myself, on the very verge of ruiningall, by falling at her feet:[36] saying to myself with an effort: Nowthen, all is lost beyond redemption, unless I play the man. And I cameout of the shadow, saying with obeisance: O lovely Queen, that is thyown fault, and not mine.

  And she started back, with a faint cry, exc
laiming in the extremity ofsheer amazement: Shatrunjaya! How in the world hast thou got in here?

  And I answered with a smile, though my heart beat like a drum withinme: Ah! thou delicious Queen, in this lower world many things comeabout contrary to expectation, of which this is one. And if thy ownsurprise is extreme, so is mine: since, as it seems, my coming is notonly unexpected, but unwelcome. And yet how short a time it is, sincethou didst entertain me with a sweetness so extraordinary, and sospontaneous, and so mutually tasted, that I thought only to give theepleasure by repeating the experience, and that is why I came. And ifthou art sorry to look at me again, I do not share in thy feeling,since all the pains I have taken to arrive are repaid by even a singleglance at thyself. For surely even Indra's heaven cannot hold anythingso unimaginably lovely as thou art to-night.

  And still she stood, gazing at me with strange eyes, and she murmuredto herself, half aloud: Shatrunjaya! It cannot be! And I said: Nay,thou very lovely lady, but it can: since here I am, and I am I. Andwhy not? Didst thou think I had forgot, what could not easily beforgotten, how we floated together in thy cradle among the lotuses? Oris it any wonder if I have thought of nothing else, ever since, buthow to return? But as to how I came, it is a secret, that I do notchoose to tell, since the fancy may take me to come again. And judgingby thy excessive condescension when we met before, I did not thinkvery much to displease thee, if I ventured to substitute myself thisevening for another, who cannot even hope to rival me in the onlything that matters, my unutterable adoration of thyself: since of thyfavour we are both of us equally unworthy. And yet, if, as it seems, Iwas utterly mistaken and the substitution is not to thy taste, I canvery easily atone for my blunder by going away again at once. Dostthou really imagine me one to force himself upon a lady who wishes himaway? O thou very lovely Queen, not at all. For I am just as good aman among men, as thou art a woman among women: and if I am not to thytaste, then, O thou fastidious beauty, neither art thou to mine. Forthe essence of every lovely woman's charm is her caress, which springsfrom her affection, and the desire to make herself nectar to herlover, without which salt, even beauty is beautiful in vain. And Icare absolutely nothing for a beauty that does not take the trouble tobe sweet. And well I know, by experience, how sweet thou canst be,aye! sweeter by far than any honey whatsoever, if it pleases thee totry. So choose for thyself, whether I shall stay, and revel like agreat black bee in thy sweetness, as once I did before; or go away.But let me tell thee, pending thy decision, that if thou dost not takethy opportunity when it offers, it will never more return; for as Isaid, I do not like coming where my coming is met with distaste. Butas I think, if thou wilt allow me to advise thee, and help thee todecision, we may as well make the most of one another, now that weare here, otherwise the moonlight will be wasted altogether, sinceto-night at least, thy other lover will not come. For I have takencare to exclude him, and we shall not be disturbed by any disagreeableinterruption. And so, either thou wilt have to do without a loveraltogether, or take me, for sheer want of something else. And thefirst would be a pity, and all the delicious trouble thou hast takento deck thy beauty for its proper object, the delight of a lover,would be lost. For in thy silver ashes and thy moony tire, thouneedest no third eye to destroy thy enemies, since thy divinity is sooverpowering that not to employ it as it was designed to be employedwould be a crime.

  XXVI

  And all the while I spoke, she stood, as curiously still as if shewere made of marble, looking at me quietly, with her head thrown justa little back, and her left hand pressed very tight against herbreast, and eyes that I could not understand. For they rested on meabsolutely without anger, seeming as it were not to see me at all, butfilled with some strange perplexity, as if she were hunting forsomething in her recollection that she could not find. And when Iended, she continued to stand, exactly in the same position, for solong, that I began to wonder what could possibly be passing in hersoul. And I said to myself, as I waited in terrible suspense: Now verylikely, in another moment, she will summon her attendants, and haveme ejected, as well she might, for my almost inconceivableimpertinence, which almost broke my own heart in two, to utter it atall. And if so it seems, even to myself, what must it seem to her? Ayeindeed! for every word, I deserve ten thousand deaths, and I couldforgive her, no matter what she did. Aye! and if, in a very littlewhile, she does not speak, I shall be throwing myself at her feet andbegging to be forgiven, unable any longer to endure.

  And then at last, all at once, her tension relaxed, and she sank backsuddenly into her old soft sweetness, with a deep sigh. And her eyesseemed, as it were, to come back to me, and find me for the firsttime, and there stole over her lips a little smile. And as I saw it,my heart almost broke with delight, for I said to myself: She haschanged her mind about me; after all, and now my plan is beginning tosucceed. Alas! little did I fathom the unfathomable intelligence ofthat extraordinary Queen! And presently she said, with exactly thesame gentleness in her low voice that made my heart tremble exactly asbefore, every time it spoke: Thou art, beyond all doubt, the veryfirst man in all the world, not only for effrontery and impertinence,but also, for this, that thou hast succeeded in imposing upon me,which no man ever yet did before. For in my simplicity I had thoughtthee quite another, making in thy solitary instance a mistake, unusualwith me, and making me ashamed: since as a rule, men's hearts are nosecret for my own, and I read them at a glance.

  And she looked at me with a smile, and inscrutable clear eyes, whoseexpression was a puzzle to my soul. And I said: Then, since thoureadest hearts so easily, why couldst thou not read mine also, as itis very plain thou didst not? And she said: Why very plain? And Isaid: Why didst thou send no answer to my message, and why didst thousummon me at sunset, and yet go away, leaving me nothing but the scornof thy servants at thy gate?

  And she looked at me in blank amazement, and she said: What dost thoumean? I never got any message, and if any summons came to thee, it wasnot sent by me. For I have not heard anything of thee at all, since Ileft thee at midnight in my boat.

  And as she spoke, there came a mist before my eyes, and all the bloodin my body rushed suddenly into my heart, as if to burst it, and thenas suddenly left it, so that I almost swooned. And all at once, Iexclaimed with a shout: Chaturika! Ah! then I was deceived! Ah! thenit was not thou! Ah! then I was not slighted by thee as a thing to bedespised! Ah! then thou art not as they say, one that forgets andthrows away her lovers almost as soon as she has seen them first! Ah!had I only known, I never would have stolen unawares into thy privacyto-night! Say, say, that thou art not such a woman as they say!

  And again she looked at me, with those strange quiet eyes; and after awhile, she said with a sigh: Thou art right. They say, but they do notunderstand. And yet, what does it matter what they say? Is it myfault, if every man that sees me is seized as it were with madness,and instantly steps over the line that divides friendship frompassionate affection, asking me for what I cannot give him, with sucheager insistence, that in my own defence I am driven to dismiss himaltogether? And she smiled, and she said, with playfulness and wistfuleyes: Must I belong to everyone, merely because he claims me as hisown, and his property, and give myself to everyone that sees me in adream?

  And I trembled from head to foot, and I said in a voice that shookwith entreaty and emotion like a leaf: Ah! then have I thy permissionto stay with thee to-night, notwithstanding my overweening presumptionin coming of my own accord without an invitation? Ah! I did not know:my heart is breaking: do not send me away!

  And as she stood, looking at me with irresolution, I stretched myhands towards her, absolutely senseless, and not knowing what I did.And she hesitated for yet a little while; and then, with a sigh, sheput her two hands into my own. And with a shudder of joy, I pulled herto me, and caught her once more in my arms, and began to kiss her,with hot tears that fell upon her face, quivering all over with theextremity of my agitation, and not believing that it was not a dream.

  And then, after a long while, I came,
somehow or other, to my senses,and became, a little, master of myself. And I looked at her with eyesdim with affection, and I took her two arms, and put them round myneck. And I whispered in her ear: Now give me a kiss for every daythat I have not seen thee, since I fell asleep in thy boat. And as ifwith resignation and compliance and submission to my will, she didexactly as I told her, stopping time after time, but I would not lether stop. And at last, I stopped. And I said: There are more stillowing, for thou hast not counted right. But now I will ask thee aquestion, just to give thee time to breathe.

  XXVII

  And as I held her still in my arms, with her own arms round my neck,she said: Ask. Then I said: Didst thou know, when I came to thee lasttime, that my coming delayed me in a matter of life and death? And shesaid: Something I knew, from the chatter of Chaturika. And I said:Didst thou know that my kingdom depended on my going fast? For as itis, I lost it, all by coming late. And she said: It was no business ofmine. And I said: What! wouldst thou deprive me of a kingdom, byplacing thyself, for a single sunset, in the other scale? And shesaid: I did not bid thee stay. I had sent to thee already, asking theeto come: and if another summons called thee, after mine, the choicewas thine, between them. I told thee only, I awaited thee: and it wastrue. And I said: What if I had not come? And she said: Then it maybe, thou wouldst have kept thy kingdom, and lost thy interview withme. That is all. It was not I, who had anything to do either withcausing thy dilemma, or determining its conclusion. And I said: Beyonda doubt, the loss of any kingdom would be a trifle in comparison withthy affection: and yet the loss is certain, and the affectiondoubtful. For I showed thee very plainly which I chose, and my kingdomis gone. I have thrown it clean away for thy sake. And have I itsequivalent? Wilt thou make it up to me by giving me thy soul? And shesaid, gently: It is not mine, to give away, for I belong to Narasinha,body and soul, as I told thee long ago.

  And I said: How canst thou say so, when I hold thee in my arms? Andshe said, quietly: Thou art but a momentary accident, due rather to myyielding myself, against my own will, and of pity for thy unhappypassion, than to any hold that thou hast on my heart. And Narasinhalearned of thy former visit to me in this garden, as very soon he willlearn of this also, since I tell him every detail of my life, great orsmall. And he made me promise never to see thee any more. And so I hadintended: but thou hast managed to steal in, somehow or other, of thyown accord. It is not by my doing that thou art here now at all.

  And I let her go, and stood gazing at her with amazement, that wasmixed with bitter disappointment and irritation, and fierceexasperation at this obstacle of Narasinha, who, out of my reach, andhiding behind her as a screen, issued orders that I was to be shut outof her garden and banished from her presence, whether she would ornot. And my heart swelled with resentment and indignation, and I said:O Tarawali, Narasinha may shut his eyes, or not, as he chooses, but Iam very different, and will not take orders as to thee, from him oranybody else. Thou art my mistress and not his. And she shook herhead, and she said, very gently: Nay, thou dost not understand. I amnot anybody's mistress. I am my own mistress, and do exactly as Iplease, whether he or any other like it or not. There lives not theman who shall say to me: Here is a line, and over it, thou shalt notstep. And whatever I do, I do, of my own free will, not of obedience,but of my own consent. I have given my body and soul away, but my willis mine.

  And I said with emphasis: I have bought thee at the price of akingdom, and become a beggar on thy account, and mine thou art, byright. Dost thou actually tell me, I am to lose my kingdom, and getabsolutely nothing in exchange? And she said, always with the samesweet and quiet voice, whose tone never varied, adding by the verycharm of its gentle music fire to the exasperating sting that lay inthe words it said: I have nothing at all to do with thy kingdom, andif thou hast lost it, I am very sorry: yet blame not me for its loss,but thyself alone, for the choice was thine. And moreover, I am notfor sale. I give myself, or part of me, to anyone I choose. It is fordealers and merchants to bargain. I never bargain. I am a Queen. And Isaid in wrath: Thou shalt give thyself no longer to anyone but me.Thou hast already cheated me by making me the loser in a bargain whereI lose all, gaining nothing in exchange. But I will have either mykingdom or thyself: and if not the kingdom, which is gone, then thee.And she said quietly: Say nothing rash, or harsh, or ill-considered.It is not I that have cheated thee out of thy kingdom: it is no onebut thyself.

  And I exclaimed: What! didst thou not cheat me by telling me thoudidst love me long ago? And she broke in instantly, and said: I saidnothing of the kind: it is thy own imagination. I never told theeanything so false as that I loved thee. And I said: Nay, not in words,but in a language deeper far than any words. What woman ever gave aman what thou hast given me, without telling him very plainly, he wasthe object of her love? And she said quietly: It was but thy owninference, and utterly unwarranted. And I said: Why didst thou thenallow me to make love to thee at all? And she said, very gently: I didnot ask, nor even wish thee, to make love to me at all. But I wastouched by thy emotion, and thy passion, and thy miserable longing,and willing to soothe it, and gratify it, for an instant, letting theetaste that nectar for which thou wert so obviously dying: for I amkind.

  And I exclaimed with a shout: Kind! Why, what is thy kindness but thevery extremity of unkindness? What! and did all thy caresses meanabsolutely nothing? And she said, very gently: They meant exactly whatthey were, gifts and boons, bestowed of sheer compassion: and if fromtheir receipt, thou hast drawn the conclusion that thy affection wasreturned, it is not so: it is only thy own unjustified construction,for thou art not, and never can be, anything to me, but the thing thatthou wilt not be, a mere friend. And I said: What kind of a woman artthou to betray me with kisses? And she said: I am only what I am: butthou art most unfair to me, and instead of peevishly demanding of mewhat I cannot give, and growing so unreasonably angry, thou oughtestrather to be very grateful to me, for giving thee anything at all. Itold thee almost as soon as I had seen thee, in the very beginning ofall, that I belonged, body and soul, to Narasinha: and yetnotwithstanding, I took pity on thee, for thy misery, and gave thee,by concession, what I might very easily have refused, humouring thyweakness like that of a child, crying for what he cannot have. Butnever did I promise thee anything beyond: and I even told thee, ifthou canst remember it, that it might injure thee and could not dothee any good. But thou wert blind, and as it were buried in thydream. Did I not warn thee, and entreat thee beforehand, not to blameme, when the dream was over, and reality returned? And when I hadsurfeited thy longing, and dismissed thee, I meant it to be the end,for it was all I had to give. In all, it is not I, that have in anyway whatever deceived thee: thou hast all along only deceived thyself.And if I have deceived at all, it is myself alone I have deceived, byexpecting any gratitude for the boon of my compassion, and the favourthat I poured on thee with no miser's band, because I blamed myselffor being innocently guilty of becoming the unintentional object ofthy passion, and its involuntary cause.

  XXVIII

  And I listened, so utterly confounded by the very simplicity of herapology, which overturned all my accusations, and put me in the wrong,that I stood in silence, unable to find anything to say. And in mystupefaction, I began to laugh. And I said: Ha! Nectar when she turnstowards thee: poison when she turns away! Hast thou never heard theQueen's verse? And she said: What! wilt thou actually lay on me theburden of refuting the silly slander of a rhyme, circulated by littlerascals merely for want of something else to say? Can I help what theysay, or shall I even stoop to listen when they say it, who will sayanything of queens, without shame for the envious venom of their ownbase insignificance, knowing all the time absolutely nothing, butmaking mere noise, like frogs all croaking together in a marsh? Or ifI must absolutely answer, in spite of my disdain, how can I preventany lover, such as thyself, from persuading himself of what he wishesto believe? For all of them resemble thee, behaving like unreasonablebulls, the very moment that they see me, and pestering me like f
lies,to my torment, and yet would blame me for driving them away. And everyone of them, exactly like thee, imagines me his own, for no reasonthat I am ever able to discover, although I tell them all, exactly asI told thee, that I belong to Narasinha.

  And I said in wrath: I will slice off the head of Narasinha, by andby, as I have done already for some of his tools. And I will not bethe plaything of a moment, to be cast aside the next. I have lost akingdom for thy sake, and will have thee to repay me, whether thouwilt or no. And she said with a smile: Thou art angry, and talkingnonsense in thy anger, as angry men will. Dost thou not see that thouart bereft of thy senses? For, kingdom or no kingdom, how canst thoube so silly as to propose to force me, willy nilly, to love thee whenI do not love? If I loved thee, I should say so, and all force wouldbe superfluous: if not, it would be not only useless, but injurious tothy own cause, seeing that the more thou forcest, the less wilt thouobtain: nay, whereas now thou art indifferent, thou wilt bring itabout that I shall hate thee in the end, as I am beginning to do avery little even now. And then it will be worse for thee in every way.For thou dost not seem ever to remember that I am, after all, not onlya woman, but a queen.

  And I looked at her as she spoke, saying to myself: She is wrong, fornobody looking at her ever could forget it, even for a moment, justbecause, like the grace of a lily, it is forgotten by herself, and shewould still be a queen, even if she were not a queen at all. And shelooks at me, notwithstanding the biting reproof in her words, withexactly the same intoxicating and caressing sweetness, as if I werestill a dear friend with whom she were unwilling to quarrel. And Igazed at her, yearning towards her with every fibre of my soul, andyet exasperated almost beyond endurance at the thought that she waskeeping me like a stranger at a distance from her heart, in order topreserve it for another. And after a while, I said slowly: If thyaffection is not to be given to me, it shall never be given to anybodyelse. And she said, as if with curiosity: Thou art surely mad. For howcanst thou prevent any other from following thy own example, and doingjust what thou hast done thyself, losing thy reason at the sight ofme, as all men always do? Dost thou not see that my power to exciteaffection is far greater than thine to prevent it? And I said: Itwould be very very easy for me to prevent all others from ever lovingthee again.

  And she looked at me with eyes, in whose unruffled calm there was noteven the faintest shadow of any fear. And she said quietly: Iunderstand thee very well, and yet for all that I tell thee thou artraving, and thou art, without knowing it, very like the very man thouhatest most, Narasinha. For often he has said to me the very samething that thou art saying now: and yet, though according to thee, thething is very easy, he finds it so difficult as to be utterlyimpossible. For he cannot endure to do without me, even in a dream,and cannot therefore bring himself to slay me, as he is constantlythreatening to do, knowing very well that he might rather slayhimself, since once I am gone, he will never find another me, to putin my place. And this is true, even though I cannot understand it:just as I cannot understand what it is that makes me indispensable tothee or to anybody else. For I know it only by its effect. And so I ammy own protection, against all his threats, or thine. And if I hadthought otherwise, what could have been easier, since thou talkest ofeasy things, than to have summoned my attendants and bade them putthee out, when it may be, thy life would have paid for thy marvellousimpertinence, in intruding unbidden, as perhaps it still may, withoutany instigation of my own at all? Thou dost not seem to understandthat all this while thy own life is in far greater danger than mine;since thou hast done a thing that will not be forgiven thee by others,though I myself have not only forgiven thee, but well understandingthe fiery goad that drove thee into my presence, have treated thee,for yet once more, with kindness and condescension far beyond anydeserts of thine. And for all return, thou art threatening even toslay me. But I am destitute of fear.

  And she stood before me in the moonlight, that turned her as it clungto all her limbs into a thing beautiful beyond all earthly dreams,absolutely fearless, and with a dignity whose royalty was not onlythat of a queen, but of loveliness laughing to scorn all possiblecomparison, seeming to say without the need of any words: Art thoubrave enough, and fool enough, to lay rude hands on such a thing as Iam, or even if thy folly were equal to thy courage, canst thou find itin thy heart to think of violence offered to it, by thyself or anyother, even in a dream? And my heart burned, for sheer adoration, andyet strange! it began to sink at the very same time, as I gazed ather, looking at me quietly in return. For there was somethingabsolutely unanswerable, not only in herself, but in everything shesaid, and yet her very simplicity that overwhelmed me with its softirrefutable sweetness increased the torture of my hopeless admirationevery time she spoke. And suddenly I struck my hands together indespair. And I exclaimed: Ah! thou marvel of a woman and a queen, I amconquered by thee, and I am on the very verge of falling at thy feetin a passion of tears, craving thy forgiveness as a criminal, sobewildering is the double spell of thy beauty and thy intelligence,and the candour of thy strange soul, which drives me mad with itsinexplicable charm. But what does it matter to me, hate me or love me,if I am never to see thee any more? Aye! Narasinha may not find it inhim to slay thee for thy wayward and beautiful independence, but thenhe can see thee every day, exactly as he chooses: whereas I, once I goaway this night, am outcast: for well I understand that thou or hewill see to it that I never come again. Dost thou imagine I can bearit? And again I struck my hands together with a cry. And I exclaimed:Curse on my birth, and the crimes of the births that went before it,that I was not born Narasinha! for he has cut me from my happiness,and stolen from me the very fruit of being born at all!

  And in my frenzy, I seized her in my arms once more, desperatelyclutching, as it were, at the bliss escaping from my reach in her form.And I said to her, as I held her tight: Tell me, had Narasinha neverlived, could I have been to thee what he is now? And she extricatedherself, very gently, from my arms, and stood back, looking at me withmeditative eyes; and after a while, she said doubtfully, yet with alittle smile on her lips: Perhaps. But I am not sure. Thou art a littleover-bearing. And yet I like thee, somehow, but I love thee not at all.And yet again, it may be, that had I met thee sooner, I might havelooked at thee with other eyes. And I bear thee no malice, if indeedthou art a criminal, for any of thy crimes, since I was their occasion.But what after all is the use of supposition as to what might be wereNarasinha away, since as it is, he is here, an obstacle in the way, notto be surmounted by any means whatever? And so, thy case is hopeless.And I tried to make thee understand, in vain: since thou wilt not takedenial or listen to any reason. And I went to such a length, out ofkindness, as to give thee one single evening, packed as full as it couldhold with all the sweetness I could think of, giving myself up, so tosay, to the insatiable thirst of thy arms, and thy craving desire to becaressed and kissed by only me, and embodying thy dream, and turningmyself into an instrument of that nectar of feminine intoxication forwhich thou wert ready to die, and putting myself without reserveabsolutely at thy disposal, only to find my kindness miserably requitedby ingratitude and undeserved reproaches, and even menaces and threats.And as I said, to-night, when by underhand contrivance thou didst forcethyself upon me, I never punished thee at all, as many another queenmight do, but took pity on thy desolation and forgave and overlooked allthy insolence, without being in the very least deceived by thy fustianbeginning, which I easily discerned to be a _ruse_, to enable theeperhaps to steal back into my favour, all founded on a misinterpretationof the woman that I am. For had I really been what people say, and what,listening to them, thou didst imagine me, thy foolish plan might perhapshave been successful, but I am very different indeed. And yet, even so,thy part was played so poorly, that it failed almost as soon as itbegan, since it needed but a touch of my finger to make thee drop thymask, and reveal thyself to be, what all the time I knew thee, a loverin the depths of despair. For love is very hard to hide, and thoucouldst scarcely hope to deceive even those w
ho are very easy todeceive, as I am not. And as I watched thy clumsy effort, sitting as itdid so ill on one so simple and direct as thou art, I could not preventmy compassion from mixing with a very little laughter, remembering theass in the Panchatantra, who clothed him in a lion's skin, forgettingthat his ears betrayed him, to say nothing of his voice. And now for thesecond time I have given thee something that I would have refused theealtogether, had caresses of compassion been any argument of love. Butunderstand well, that there will be no third opportunity: for this isthy farewell. Go as thou hast come, for I will not attempt to penetratethy secret, nor have thy footsteps dogged.

  XXIX

  And as I listened, I knew that all was over, and that her words weremy doom: for I understood that she was stronger far than I, and in aposition absolutely impregnable by any efforts I might make. And Istood gazing at her silently with a tumult in my soul that could findno utterance in words. And I said at last, in a very low voice: Is thydecision irrevocable, and am I really never to see thee any more? Andshe said: Even this time is more than I had allowed thee, and I amafraid for thee. Aye! I fear that thy life is the forfeit thou wiltpay. Yet blame not me for anything that may occur. For Narasinha wouldhave slain thee already, as he is furiously jealous of anything thatcomes near me in the form of a man, had I not myself expresslyinterfered in thy behalf, making him swear to overlook thy formertrespass on a ground that he considers as his own. But he will notlisten to me now. And to-morrow, as soon as he discovers what hastaken place to-night, for I cannot hide it, he will take measures toprevent thy ever coming back, very likely such as thou thyself hintedat, of me, a little while ago. Thou art looking at me now for thevery last time; and remember, I told thee myself, I will take noblame, if thy temerity turns out to have cost thee dear. Farewell, andif thou canst, forget me, and go away to a great distance, without theloss of a single moment. For in a very little while, thou mayst find,there will not even be the chance, and it will be too late.

  And instead of going, I stood, rooted to the spot like a tree, gazingat her thirstily, in a stupor of despair, and saying to myself: What!can it really be possible that I am actually looking at her now, asshe says, for the very last time in my life, doomed to go here, orthere, in the world, without ever seeing her again, knowing all thewhile that she is, still, somewhere to be seen, and actually beingseen, only not by me? Out upon such horror, for it would be less, evenif she were dead! And she, so kind, so gentle, how in the world canshe stand there, bidding me with a wave of her hand, in that low sweetvoice of hers, to go away to a great distance, to save my life,knowing well, for she is very clever, that she is taking it away, bybanishing me for ever? And am I just to be thrown away at the biddingof Narasinha?

  And at the thought, all at once I began to laugh with sheer rage. AndI said to myself: What! must I turn my back on heaven, and go meeklydown to hell, at the order of Narasinha? Would she banish me at all,but for Narasinha? Who in the world is Narasinha? Is Narasinha mymaster? Is he even her master, for as it seems, she is rather his?Are these his orders, or her own? Ha! now, I wonder. What if after allthis Narasinha were only a man of straw, doing exactly as he is told,and acting as her agent and her instrument, for the sake of what shegives him? Is it likely, after all, that he orders, and she obeys? Andam I being fooled, and handed over by herself to banishment, or evendeath, behind the screen of Narasinha?

  And I looked at her as she stood, patiently waiting for me to go, witha soul torn to pieces by rage, and suspicion, and love-longing, andflat refusal to go away. And suddenly there came into my recollectionHaridasa, saying as he stood outside the door: Nectar when she turnstowards thee: poison when she turns away. And I said to myself: Sonow, she turns away. And can she possibly not know, what becomes ofall her lovers?

  And I went up to her, all at once, and took her by her two hands, andlooked straight into her eyes. And I said: Tarawali, thou choosest thyservants well. I know the use of Chaturika. And now dimly I begin tosee the use of Narasinha. Does he never tell thee where he throws thebodies of thy old lovers, when thou hast finished with their souls?

  And then, strange! her eyes wavered, as if unable to meet my own. Andlike a flash of lightning, I understood. And I exclaimed: Ha! have Ifound at last the question that thou canst not answer, and laid myfinger on the flaw in thy consummate skill? So then, this was all buta comedy that thou wert playing, to shift the blame from thy ownshoulders and turn me over to extinction at the hands of Narasinha?Ah! thou art thy own mistress, and not one to obey. But ah! thoulovely lady that hast no pity for thy poisoned lovers, it is not thelover this time that shall die. And thou shalt meet thy master for thefirst time in thy life.

  And I looked at her for a single instant in a frenzy of fierce hatredthat suddenly blazed up from the ashes of my dead devotion, lyingscorned and cheated and betrayed by the idol it adored. And I seizedher in the grip of death, and tore from my arm the lute-string thatwas wound about my wrist. And I said: Dear, I never gave thee thymusic-lesson: but now I will give thee a very long one on a singlestring. And in an instant, I twisted it about her neck, and drew ittight, holding her still as she struggled, in an ecstasy of giantstrength. And so I stood, trembling all over, for a very long time.And at last, I felt that she lay in my arms like a dead weight,hanging as it were against her will in the terrible embrace of a loverthat loved with hatred instead of love.

  And I laid her down very gently, turning carefully away, that I mightnot see her face. And I went away very quickly, and all at once, as Iwent, I fell down and began to sob, as if my heart would break. And atlast, after a long while, I got up, and stood, thinking, and lookingback under the trees. And I crept back on tiptoe, and looked and sawher at a distance, lying in the moonlight, very still, like the tombof my own heart. And then I turned sharp round, and went away forgood and all, without a soul. And I said to myself in agony: Now Ihave made the whole world empty with my own hand, and it was myselfthat I have killed, as well as her. And now I will go after her assoon as I possibly can. But there is one thing still to do, before Igo, for I have to give another lesson to Narasinha. Only this time Iwill not use a lute-string, but crush out his soul with my bare hands.

  * * * * *

  Ha! Narasinha, I have told thee, and thou knowest all. And now thouhast only to count the hours that are left to thee, for I am comingvery soon.

  FOOTNOTES:

  [Footnote 6: Pronounce in three syllables _Shut-roon-jye_: it means,_one who triumphs over his foes_. So again, in three syllables,_Narasing_: which means, _man-lion_, alluding to one of Wishnu'sincarnations. (Europeans do not adequately realise that the shortfinal _a_, in Sanskrit, is always mute. They pronounce e.g. _Rama_,_Krishna_, as if the last letter were long. They are monosyllables.)]

  [Footnote 7: "The menace prevented the deed," observes Gibbon, of awould-be assassin of Commodus. That was also the error of the Germans,in 1914.]

  [Footnote 8: A heavenly musician.]

  [Footnote 9: _Dharma_ does not mean religion in our sense of the word.It means, for every man, that set of obligations laid on him by hiscaste or status: thus everybody's _dharma_ is different.]

  [Footnote 10: A crown prince. Palace intrigues were common in the oldHindoo courts. Each wife thought of nothing but providing the heir tothe throne, if not by fair means, then by foul.]

  [Footnote 11: Krishna, the lute-player, and flute-player, _parexcellence_. He resembles Odin in this particular.]

  [Footnote 12: i.e. _the city of lotuses._ The final _a_ is mute.]

  [Footnote 13: i.e. _a line of stars_; _a constellation_; _a starintensified._]

  [Footnote 14: That is to say, abandoned, dissolute: independencebeing, in old Hindoo ears, a synonym for every possible species ofdepravity.]

  [Footnote 15: There is here an untranslatable play on _manasa_ and_manasi-ja_ = a feminine god of love.]

  [Footnote 16: There is no vulgarity in this idea: it is a poeticaldegree in the scale of passion. An _abhisarika_ is a lady so mas
teredby her love that she cannot wait for her lover, but goes to him of herown accord. There are all sorts of conditions laid down to regulateher going: she must not go in broad daylight, but in a thunderstorm,or dusk.]

  [Footnote 17: _Lawanya_ means loveliness as well as salt.]

  [Footnote 18: The exact equivalent, and indeed the only possibletranslation of _kupandita._]

  [Footnote 19: This is due to the peculiar dress of Hindoo women, allin one piece, and put on so that the edge that runs around the feetafterwards runs up diagonally and winds around the whole figure. Nonational costume was ever better calculated to set off the sinuositiesand soft grace of a woman's figure to advantage than the marvelloussimplicity of the _sari_ which is nothing more than a very long stripof almost anything you please.]

  [Footnote 20: i.e. _the clever one_: a name, like Nipunika, employedin Hindoo plays to denote the qualities of a _grisette_: _Suzanne._]

  [Footnote 21: _Anuraktamritam bala wirakta wisham ewa sa._]

  [Footnote 22: A female door-keeper. This appears to have beencustomary in old times. Runjeet Singh had a body-guard of women,dressed like boys.]

  [Footnote 23: The roots of these great figs "grow down" (hence theirname) from the branches, often coalescing with the trunks into themost extraordinary shapes: it needs no imagination to see Dryads underthe bark: they are visible to the naked eye. The huge leaves and greatwhite blossom of the _shala_ make it one of the most beautiful ofearthly trees: as the champak is one of the most weird, like a greatcandlestick of innumerable branches whose pale flower-cups grow out ofthe end of its clumsy fingers without leaves.]

  [Footnote 24: Durga, _the inaccessible one_, is one of Parwati'sinnumerable names. It has reference to a mountain steep, withaccessory meanings, moral and theological.]

  [Footnote 25: There are constant references in Hindoo poetry toswinging, which is a national pastime in India, with a specialfestival in its honour.]

  [Footnote 26: Pronounce as a trisyllable: Haridas.]

  [Footnote 27: The Indian women used to send little earthenware dishes,with a lighted wick in their oil, floating down the Ganges, tosymbolise their children's lives. Perhaps they do it still: but allthese beautiful old superstitious practices are dying away, in thelight of "representative institutions." New lamps for old ones!]

  [Footnote 28: That is Shri, the Hindoo Aphrodite. Only those who havestudied Hindoo goddesses on the old temple walls, where they standwith everlasting marble smiles in long silent rows, buried in thejungles that encircle their deserted fanes, will enter into theatmosphere of this strange description.]

  [Footnote 29: _Daiwatam hi hayottamah_, says Somadewa: _a good horseis a divine thing._]

  [Footnote 30: The Hindoo AEsculapius. Ayurweda, the science ofmedicine.]

  [Footnote 31: A gem that attracts straws, presumably amber. It isalways employed by Hindoo poets as an equivalent of our _magnet._]

  [Footnote 32: _i.e._ the mirage.]

  [Footnote 33: That is, as if she were a character in a play, coming ather cue. The phrase is common in the Hindoo plays.]

  [Footnote 34: This is due to the coal-black stem, which gives to apalm tree shorn of its head the look of a tumble-down smoke-grimedchimney. Unshorn, leaning to the wind, it is the most graceful thingin the world, especially seen against the setting sun.]

  [Footnote 35: The great jewel on Wishnu's breast.]

  [Footnote 36: Literally, with a _sashtanganamaskara_: i.e. _with anobeisance made by falling prostrate with the eight corners of thebody_, a form of profound reverence made as to a divinity.]